The struggle.

A few weeks ago I posted a blog post titled "I am Free" and I talked briefly about things I struggle with and wrestle with in my life, and how I had this crazy moment when I was driving down a road with the windows rolled down literally yelling and crying out to God that I was done with those things that are holding me back from living the life I want to.

Unfortunately, I didn't mean it. I wish I had, but I didn't. I meant it when I was laughing and praying and praising God in my car, I meant it when I was typing that blog post, I meant it the next day when I was getting up and getting dressed...so what happened? How come I'm right back to square one? I have no clue how I got back, or what keeps coming up over and over again to put me back in the same spot, but I'm really sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in an emotional, spiritual, mental bump on a log mood and I want to get up and truly move on. So what am I doing wrong? I have good intentions so why aren't they providing good results?

Here's what I was reminded of today: because of who Christ is and what He did for me by dying on the cross I don't have to struggle to be free. I don't have to panic about someone not liking me, or have a complete meltdown when I'm feeling like I'm disappointing God. I am free to struggle. I am free to come to the throne of God with confidence, lay down my problems in piles across the ground in front of Him, point at each one and say " God, I have no clue what to do about this. You do though, so you can take it for me. I don't want to worry about it.." And that's all I have to do. I have to ask for help. I have to accept the very simple truth that I don't deserve that help. I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy, or Gods grace, but he gives it to me and to you every day. I've always wondered why. I've always subconsciously questioned why on earth God would continue to forgive someone for the same mistake they make over and over and over again. And I can never come up with an answer that satisfied me. I kept wanting to say "because I've done SOMETHING that makes Hin love me, right? He doesn't actually just love everyone unconditionally, does he? I bet He bangs his head against a wall and gets tired of giving out forgiveness all the time so I bet he walks away sometimes." But none of that is true. I haven't done anything to MAKE God love me. I volunteer in church, I read my bible most of the time, I do my daily devotional, I pray, I lead a bible study, I take notes during sermons, I'm a good little Christian girl. That HAS to make God more proud of me, happier about who I am, and love me more. I know someone who accepted Christ a long time ago, used to go to church, but who doesn't now. They "fell off the path" and now God is far removed from their current lifestyle.. God must not love them as much, right? Hahaha wrong!!! God doesn't play favorites. He loves pastors of churches and He loves people  in prison with a lifetime sentence the same way: unconditionally. So, there is nothing I can do AT ALL to make him love me more because He simply already loves me forever and ever and ever.

What does that unconditional love look like? It means he won't just turn around and walk away when I make a mistake. It means instead of rolling his eyes when I'm upset and crying over something kind of stupid, he's standing there with arms wide open to give me a tight hug and a shoulder to cry on. There's not a thing I could do to make him leave me by myself, and I'm not sure why I have such a hard time understanding that.

So, ladies and gentlemen: I give up. I give up on unattainable expectations of perfection I've placed on my shoulders. I give up on trying my hardest to please others so I will feel accepted. I give up on trying to do more and be more and act more. I give up on living like this. It's exhausting. Everyday there's a civil war raging inside my head. Who I am, who I think others think I am, who I want to be, and who I once was are battling it out inside my brain. Every day the battle continued without any signs of who's winning, but with all signs saying that regardless, I'm losing. Because "Who God wants me to be" isn't one of the girls fighting in this battle. She's off in a dungeon that's forgotten about as a prisoner of the war. She's tired of being ignored. She's trapped because as long as this internal battle continues within me, she can't truly exist. She struggling to get out.

That's the point I'm trying to make. It may not make sense to you, but I'm trying to explain it the best I can: I am struggling to get out. God didn't create me so I could spend all my time stressing out about someone's opinion of me. That's not who God wants me to be. And because I am a born again believer I don't have to. All I have to do is simply choose Jesus and choose to accept that in who He is I am free.

Surreal

Today was a day when I realized I really am graduating high school...

• I stood up with the other seniors at church and gave advice to the younger students in my Sunday school class about high school and staying involved.

• I was recognized in front of our congragation as a graduate and I didn't fall

• I attended my baccalaureate in my cap and gown and made pictures with my family

• I came home and took a nap and wasn't stressed out about the things I could be doing instead

• I woke up and made a really important decision all by myself regarding an event I'm in charge of planning

• I went out for coffee at 8:30pm with a friend without caring at all what time it was

• My mom didn't give me a curfew or any kind of restrictions or instructions regarding this coffee date

I know these are just small, meaningless things to you, but to me these were the little things that hit me and made me realize that I'm going to walk across the stage and graduate in less than 48 hours. Boo yah

Invisible illness questions

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illnesses I live with are: Type 2 Diabetes, chronic migraines, anxiety attacks, and depression.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I was diagnosed with diabetes my sophomore year of high school, migraines in 2012, and anxiety/depression at the end of 2012/beginning of 2013

3. But I had symptoms since: I can remember having symptoms of diabetes for most my sophomore year. I would get kidney infections a lot and that's what ultimately led to being tested. I've struggled with migraines for a couple of years but they got worse after a seizure in July. I've struggled with having anxiety attacks my entire life, but they haven't been as intense as the ones in the past year or so. The depression is new. This started in the past year or so, around same time as seizure. It's clinical, and there is something in my hormone levels that causes it and makes everything off.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: not being hard on myself and blaming myself for the parts I can't control. I also missed a lot of school which was difficult.

5. Most people assume: that I am a happy, upbeat person because of thow I act when I'm around others. I am that person but that is only one layer. I do hurt, I do cry and I do have hard times when dealing with my illnesses. I am human and have a full range of emotions. I think living with any chronic illness comes with highs and lows, days when you are strong, and days when you need strength.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: just getting moving at first. Some days are really good and I don't have any problems! But, some days I wake up with a pounding, crippling headache and I would do just about anything to crawl back under my covers. Sometimes I have a hard night of anxiety attacks and then wake up the next day exhausted and depressed. The depression is the worst when it rains, and rain causes headaches and migraines as well, so it's safe to say rainy days are the hardest.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy and HOUSE. I like HOUSE because of the mysteries and how it wasn't like a lot of other medical shows, and I like Grey's because of the characters and story lines.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my glucose meter to check my blood sugar.

9. The hardest part about nights are: waking up with migraines or waking up with a panic attack in the middle of the night.

10. Each day I take: 3 pills and various vitamins for a few different vitamin deficiencies I have

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: I believe that anything that helps you feel good and doesn’t hurt yourself or others is ok. I think exercise helps with anxiety, depression, and blood sugar levels. I also think that sleep can completely cure a migraine.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I would choose to have an invisible illness. I don't like for people to feel sorry for me, and I don't like to ask for help, so honestly an invisible illness is easier to "hide." Maybe not the best way to look at it, but it's honest. The downside to any invisible illness is that people can have trouble understanding what they can not physically see and think you're faking when you're really struggling.

13. Regarding working and career: When your passion becomes your purpose there is nothing you can’t do. We might think we choose our work, or career but I do believe that god knows what is best for us and finds a way to put us in that path. With what I want to do one day, I'm thankful my illnesses do not hinder me from doing what I love.

14. People would be surprised to know: That I cry ALL the time! A lot if people have puffy eyes and faces after crying for five minutes. I can cry for hours, dry my eyes, wipe my nose, and then go to school or the store or whatever and put on my smile.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: telling others, accepting that I will have bad days, facing challenges rather than running from them, and trying to keep it looking like I have it all together. I'm staying home for my first year of college against my original plans, mostly because of different medications and what not we're trying. That was hard. I'm at peace with it now, but it took a long time to get there.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: live a normal life with diabetes. I thought it was the end of the world when I was diagnosed, and now it's part of who I am.

17. The commercials about my illness:

Diabetes: there are a lot about diabetes awareness which are nice, and a lot about different meters you can buy to monitor blood sugar.

Migraines: none come to mind

Anxiety: none come to mind

Depression: lots! It's kind of downplayed though which is kind of misleading to others. "You're depressed? Pop some medicine, smile, move on! You're fine" is a message I think a lot of depression commercials send, but it isn't that easy unfortunately.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having a good attendance record at school.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: sugar at first, with the diabetes. That's easier now though, and I'm living a healthier lifestyle than I was at one point in my life. 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I actually haven’t taken up any exciting new hobbies that I can think of right now. I would LOVE to learn more about photography and art, or reading more than I get to have time for. 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I would just try to cram as much stuff into a good day as possible. Spend it with family and friends,  relax, have fun, not worry.

22. My illness has taught me: Who my real friends and family are. The people who support you every day, for better or for worse…. in sickness and in health those are the people who truly love you. That god is going to let me bend but not allow me to break. That God is going to throw a lot at me at once to see if I will depend on him. That I am stronger than I think I am. That I don't give up, even when I want to more than anything.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hate when people say depression or anxiety isn't real or people just say they have it to get attention. Type in anxiety disorders, or clinical depression into google and see how many thousands of articles show up talking about if. It's real. I also hate when people say stuff like "oh, you have diabetes? You should eat better and excersise more." Gee, thank you. If only someone had told me that when they told me I had diabetes. I'm not stupid, I know those things help. It's not just diet and excersise though, and there are factors I can't control. It also makes me roll my eyes when people say "I have a migraine" on Facebook or twitter or something. If it was a migraine you'd be throwing up, wanting total silence, in a dark room. You would not be staring at a computer screen or texting your friends. Trust me.

24. But I love it when people: are understanding and nonjudgmental, allowing me to cope with pain in my own ways.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It will be hard, but it will be ok. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: I can still do normall, every day things

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My parents love is endless and has no boundaries. They do nice things constantly, too many to mention or count. But knowing I can count on them is the nicest feeling in the world.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Weekbecause: If all of us do our part, write a blog post, re tweet this post, share on facebook, pass on info.. whatever. Each step is a step closer to awareness, understanding and acceptance. It is the easiest thing we can do, but collectively will make a difference.

This isn't invisible illness awareness week, but I can still show my support and share a piece of my story.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like others may understand a little more now, and if you read this without judging me, I feel loved.

I Am Free

Fear. Anxiety. Frustration. People. Shame. Guilt. Change. Control. These are things I've been holding onto and clinging to for months! MONTHS! God has been telling me over and over and over again to let them go and I just couldn't. I could handle it. It's not a big deal. I've got this. I can do it. I don't need help.

I lied.

I don't know exactly when I became totally dependent and focused on just myself and when I started feeling depressed and anxious about everything,but I bet they go hand in hand. I've gotten comfortable with sad and mundane and now it's time to move on! For the first time in probably a year or more I'm fired up about my relationship with God and here's what I'm going to do about it.

First of all I'm gonna tell God that I am letting it go! DONE. I was driving down highway 70 and I rolled down the window and said "God, I've locked myself in a prison on self pity and self consciousness and fear and that's not how you want me to live. I've sat here long enough so let's do this together and get out of this." And then I started yelling all the words I typed up top. "FEAR" "ANXIETY" "SCHOOL" "DRAMA" "GUILT" and others. I want to remember that every time I drive down that road so I have a constant reminder that I gave it all up. No more. I've been trying to keep all this bottled up for so long and now it's all just tumbling out.

Second, I'm going to fall in love with Jesus again. He hasn't been my first love for a while and I'm going to do whatever I have to change that. Someone told me pretty recently that I had fallen out of love with Jesus and I didn't want to believe them. I'm a good Christian girl, of course I love Jesus. Unfortunately that's not true. A relationship takes two people. I wanted Jesus on Sundays and at church but I didn't want him to help with my stuff. I didnt talk to him. I stopped getting to know him. Well, I want to get to know him and I want to talk to him and let him get to know me.

Third, I'm going to surround myself with people who are going to help me up. I'm picking myself up off the ground and no one can do that for me. I'm confident for the first time in years that I can truly do that because I'm NOT doing it alone. I need to tell others though and accept help and advice and hang out with people who will bring me up.

This is just so crazy. I can try to explain it the best I can but I don't know how it'll sound to you. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with God for months. Maybe even a year or two. Sure, I have had high times and low, but overall it's just been a gross funk. Going through the motions to just get things done. I would pray for something to change me or something to stir my emotions and I'd get nothing. Last night, I texted someone and said I need a serious attitude adjustment. I said something like "I don't know what I'm going to do about it but something has to change"

After that I just prayed. I prayed until I fell asleep last night, I prayed this morning, I prayed at school, I prayed at home, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Some were long and some were just desperate whispers saying "God, please show me something. Anything"

Well I'll be a monkey's aunt! The bible study lesson tonight was about letting go of bitterness and how women become comfortable with unhappy. Once I really realized what Gods been telling me for WEEEEKS I said that I'm done! I went on a drive and was praying and hollering and I was smiling. For no reason. And I turn on KLove and a new song by MikesChair comes on call All I Can Do that's perfect!!! Then Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave. Then a song that was just an awesome praise song. I've turned on KLove a lot because I'm supposed to listen to it. I'm a Christian. I hum the tunes and mindlessly sing the lyrics. Tonight, I was belting out lyrics and singing and living every second because I have someone to sing the songs to! This is the happiest I've been for a while and I'm pumped. And it's awesome!! All it took was a really good metaphorical slap in the face. Maybe this makes zero sense to you, and that's ok. It doesn't really make sense to me either but here's the best way I can explain it:

I am choosing to be happy. My mom has been telling me since sophomore year when all this seemed to start that I just had to choose happy. I argued its not that easy. But it is. I am choosing to let go of bitterness, frustration, control, selfishness, hatred, all of the gross stuff. For real this time. I'm done. And now that I'm over all this stuff that's been holding me down I feel like I can fly. And it's awesome.

One Thousand Gifts (March 8th-26th

March 8th: 3 gifts loud
1. The hallways at school drive me nuts because they are crowded, stinky, and smelly. They're always SUPER loud in between classes, but I'm thankful for a place to learn
2. My car. If it's warmer than 45 degrees the windows are down and the music is turned up. Always. :)
3. Concerts I've been to with the youth group

March 9th:3 gifts carved
1. I like looking at my parents wedding pictures and there is a cute one of them "carving" the cake that's really cute.
2. Memories of carving a pumpkin with Kamryn and Brandon at Halloween
3. A cross necklace that I got on a youth retreat a few years ago

March 10th:3 gifts in Christ
1. Unconditional Love
2. Undeserved Grace
3. Peace

March 11th:3 gifts read
1. Graceful: For Young Women by Emily Young
2. There You'll Be by Jenny B. Jones
3. The Christy Miller Series by Robin Jones Gunn

March 12th: A gift in wind, in water, in white
1. A gentle breeze on a pretty spring day
2. Swimming in the ocean in the summertime
3. White napkins to use at picnics outside :)

March 13th: 3 gifts round (HARD)
1. Um...my class ring
2. Ummm...the tires on my car
3. Ummmmm...I keep thinking of other shapes!!!!! Uhh...when the youth group gets together for pizza (that's round) parties and movie nights (DVDs are round)

March 14th: 3 gifts found in silence
1. Being able to regroup and relax
2. Quiet time reading my devotional and praying
3.  Daydreaming

March 15th: 3 gifts given away
1. Time
2. Scrapbook I made when my best friend moved away
3.  Not really a "gift" but I like writing letters and little notes to friends and family

March 16th: 3 hard graces
1. When someone tells you something you NEED to hear but absolutely do not want to.
2. When you're in the middle of a storm of life and everything seems to be coming at you from all sides...because that's when you cling to God the most, or run away and are accepted back with His open arms
3. Doing something you don't want to do to benefit yourself later on in life. (i.e going to Memphis University my freshman year instead of a different school in another state)

March 17th: a gift turned, folded, hung
1. When you forgive someone you "turn over a new leaf"
2. My mom folds my laundry :D
3. My prom dress hanging up (or it will once it comes in from the store)

March 18th: 3 gifts red
1. The services that the fire (red) department provides. Funny story: I don't know when this was but one time my parents had to call the fire department because they smelled something burning and it ended up being a fly that had flown into a halogen lamp and was burning and dying. Ha!
2. Apple(red)sauce(not red...) at lunchtime
3. My Teaching as a Profession binder for 7th period. Definitely a favorite class

March 19th: 3 gifts eaten
1. Fettuccine Alfredo (my favorite!)
2. Granola Bars for breakfast on the run
3. Thankful that my family doesn't have to worry about where the next meal is going to come from

March 20th: 3 gifts that make you laugh
1. My brother
2. My Mom and my Dad
3. The middle school girls

March 21st: a gift salty, sweet, and just right
1. Lays Classic Potato Chips
2. Ice Cream
3. Pretzal M&ms or Peanut Butter M&ms

March 22nd: 3 gifts found in his word
1. It always blows my mind when I read something that really applies to me. Especially first thing in the morning, it makes the day seem much smoother
2. When I'm stressed out about stuff and I read verses about Peace
3. When I am reminded of how much He loves me

March 23rd: 3 gifts found in women today
1. My mom's humble attitude
2. My best friend's sense of humor that always can make me laugh
3. Watching women at church serve in different ways

March 24th: 3 gifts spoken
1. Hearing words of encouragement spoken to me
2. Listening to words of advice and wisdom
3. Listening to Sunday School lessons from Rhett

March 25th: A gift sung, written, painted
1. The Stand is one of my favorite songs
2. Letters written to me I keep in a scrapbook
3. A cross collage my cousin painted for me

March 26th: 3 gifts almost gone
1. My high school experiance!
2. My time as a "kid"
3. My lunch...because I'm eating it

One Thousand Gifts March 1st-7th

March 1st: 3 gifts at 3pm
1. Relaxing at home after a long day at school
2. A quick snack while watching TV (usually Reba)
3. Starting homework...well, that's what I SHOULD be doing at 3 anyway.

March 2nd: 3 things green (feeling nostalgic today)
1. I don't know what made me think of this. In the summer time when I was little I remember running in the Elmo sprinkler in the backyard barefoot. I'd be soaked, there would be grass stuck all over my feet,  and when I went to the hose to wash them off a puddle of thick, brown, mud would collect around the flower bed. The next day if it wasn't all dried up it would make it really easy to dig in and michael and I really liked to dig holes in the backyard. I remember digging under the stupid gum-ball tree one time and hitting a white pipe and Michael and I completely freaked out because we thought we had found a dinosaur bone. Ha!
2. Green army men that Michael used to have everywhere. It wasn't uncommon for me to find a little green dude in my polly pocket box or barbie house
3. At our old house we had a floral wallpaper in my room. It was green vine type things with blue and yellow flowers all over it. (That sounds really ugly, but it was really really pretty. I hated it for a long time, but I kind of miss it now)

March 3rd: 3 gifts wore
1. A yellow scarf from my friend Kamryn
2. My class ring
3. Headbands from my grandparents

March 4th: 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
1. People who have hurt me. It's very easy to hold a grudge and hate people, but it's much more difficult to forgive them, love them, and thank God for them
2. When you're in the middle of a storm in life it can be very hard to thank God and praise Him under all circumstances. It's much easier to praise Him when everything is going good.
3. When people just do random, nice things for me I have a hard time just accepting them and saying thank-you. I'm also not very good at accepting compliments. Haha, I guess it makes me uncomfortable a bit so I usually just say a quick thanks and change the subject. :)

March 5th: 3 things found
1. My Bible!!!!! It was under a pile of clothes on my dresser behind a book...don't judge. ;o) My room is a wreck and when I was cleaning it the other day I found it. I've been using my iPod or my mom's bible for weeks!
2. My other shoe. I mean, I have lots of shoes but there was one shoe in particular that was missing. It was my black ballet flat with the bow on the front that is probably one of my favorites. It was under my bed...behind a tissue box. Also found while cleaning.
3. Postcards from various trips I've taken. I like collecting postcards from places I've been because they're usually pretty cheap and I can jot down the dates of the trip on the back of it. :) I found a lot of them in a shoebox in my closet the other day while I was cleaning it out. Isn't it cool, all the stuff you can find when you clean your room? I don't even clean up more than half of it because I'm so excited about all the things I've found.

March 6th: A gift bent, broken, beautiful
1. Haha, ok. I got a chinese yo yo from my mom from Pier One Imports a few weeks ago when I was having a bad day. I was playing with it all afternoon when I got home that day and I hit my mom in the face with it BY ACCIDENT. She was pretty mad, but what she didn't know is that her face bent my yo yo and I can't use it anymore. :( Good thing it was only like a dollar. Hahahaha! :D
2.  When the internet "breaks" or goes down and instead of instant messaging someone on facebook or twitter, you actually have to call them. I think we forget how important actually talking to people is, instead of texting or messaging or tweeting.
3. Happy people who are laughing and smiling, people I know or people I don't, and really beautiful.

March 7th: Three gifts in the kitchen
1. Microwave because I hate cooking things on a stove
2. Milk because I love cereal and it doesn't involve cooking
3. Easymac because it's microwavable, easy, tasty, and doesn't involve cooking

One Thousand Gifts (Feb. 17th-28th)

Feb. 17th: 3 gifts in giving/serving
1. Making other people smile
2. Being able to serve kids and the middle school girls
3. Doing things anonymously

Feb. 18th: 3 gifts on paper
1. God's Word
2. Words I've written in my journals
3. A book my mom got me on my 16th birthday called "Eat Your Peas Daughter"

Feb. 19th:3 gifts that were "Plan Bs"
1. Yearbook :) I thought I would do newspaper my junior and senior year because I didn't like it at all my sophmore year. I'm really glad I stuck with it!
2. Deciding about college. I grew up and always thought I would absolutely for sure go to Memphis. No doubt in my mind. Now, I am shopping around and looking at different colleges which is something I never thought I would do. Still not sure where I'll end up, and it might end up being Memphis, but no matter what I decide I know that God is going to take care of me.
3. The Middle School Girls Bible Study: this isn't a Plan B but it's something I never saw myself doing.

Feb. 20th: a gift at breakfast, lunch, and dinner
1. Cereal. I really like cereal. It's one of those random things I can eat at any point of the day...
2. Time spent with friends
3. Time spent with family

Feb. 21st: 3 gifts white
1. Snow (Which we aren't getting enough of this year by the way...)
2. White sandy beaches
3. Fresh cotton scents

Feb. 22nd: 3 gifts that changed today
1. My attitude
2. My persepctive
3. My schedule

Feb. 23rd: a gift of tin, glass, wood
1. Tin cans from soup in the winter
2. Windows that let sunshine in
3. Wooden cross necklace I got from a youth retreat a few years ago

Feb. 24th: 3 gifts before 11 am
1. A sunrise symbolizing a new day
2. All of my hard classes are over with by 11 am :)
3. On Sundays when we have Sunday School with the youth group

Feb. 25th: a gift worn out, new, made-do
1. My teddy bear, Bear-y. I've had it since I was a year old and it has gone absolutely everywhere with me whenever I go to spend the night somewhere even to do this day
2. New possibilities and opportunities that are presenting themselves
3. (Stole from Christina A.) My body. I'm not physically fit or a size zero, but God has blessed me with many great qualities! I'm working on getting healthier by making new choices, but I'm still happy with who I am and who God has made me to be! He's still working on me!

Feb. 26th: 3 gifts seen as reflections (Reflecting on things, or mirror reflections? It doesn't matter I don't guess...)
1. Memories of sitting on the beach
2. Thinking about all the time I've spent with the people I love and care about
3. Watching my reflection in the water on the lake when we went boating or jet skiing on the lake when I was younger.

Feb. 27th: Three ugly/beautiful gifts
1. A pair of pajama pants that are worn thin, have holes in them, but that are oh so comfortable!
2. My mom has this scotty-dog angel statue thing that is seriously one of the creepiest things I've ever seen. It's beautiful though because I know that it's special to her and that she really likes it.
3. My dog has a pillow he sits on all the time in "his" corner of the couch. It's gotten pretty stinky and lumpy and strange looking. It's really ugly, but we won't throw it away because he likes it so much.

Feb. 28th:Three gifts from the past that help me trust the future
1. God's taken care of me. He hasn't let me give up and even though I've tried to run away from Him on numerous occasions He's still kept up with me walking or running right along side me.
2. My diabetes. I thought getting diabetes was going to be the end of the world, but it's something that I've accepted and it's part of my life now. Even though I don't always like it, and it can be a big pain in the butt sometimes, I'm thankful that it's something I can control. Dealing with the diagnosis and all the things that came with it I know I can get through other things, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had happen to me, but I got through it. Knowing I overcame that, I know I can overcome other things that are thrown at me in this life.
3. I've learned from my past that I can't always do things by myself and that it's okay to ask others for help. I can ask others to pray for me, I can ask others to help me when I need it, and I can ask others just to listen when I need them to.