Fear. Anxiety. Frustration. People. Shame. Guilt. Change. Control. These are things I've been holding onto and clinging to for months! MONTHS! God has been telling me over and over and over again to let them go and I just couldn't. I could handle it. It's not a big deal. I've got this. I can do it. I don't need help.
I lied.
I don't know exactly when I became totally dependent and focused on just myself and when I started feeling depressed and anxious about everything,but I bet they go hand in hand. I've gotten comfortable with sad and mundane and now it's time to move on! For the first time in probably a year or more I'm fired up about my relationship with God and here's what I'm going to do about it.
First of all I'm gonna tell God that I am letting it go! DONE. I was driving down highway 70 and I rolled down the window and said "God, I've locked myself in a prison on self pity and self consciousness and fear and that's not how you want me to live. I've sat here long enough so let's do this together and get out of this." And then I started yelling all the words I typed up top. "FEAR" "ANXIETY" "SCHOOL" "DRAMA" "GUILT" and others. I want to remember that every time I drive down that road so I have a constant reminder that I gave it all up. No more. I've been trying to keep all this bottled up for so long and now it's all just tumbling out.
Second, I'm going to fall in love with Jesus again. He hasn't been my first love for a while and I'm going to do whatever I have to change that. Someone told me pretty recently that I had fallen out of love with Jesus and I didn't want to believe them. I'm a good Christian girl, of course I love Jesus. Unfortunately that's not true. A relationship takes two people. I wanted Jesus on Sundays and at church but I didn't want him to help with my stuff. I didnt talk to him. I stopped getting to know him. Well, I want to get to know him and I want to talk to him and let him get to know me.
Third, I'm going to surround myself with people who are going to help me up. I'm picking myself up off the ground and no one can do that for me. I'm confident for the first time in years that I can truly do that because I'm NOT doing it alone. I need to tell others though and accept help and advice and hang out with people who will bring me up.
This is just so crazy. I can try to explain it the best I can but I don't know how it'll sound to you. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with God for months. Maybe even a year or two. Sure, I have had high times and low, but overall it's just been a gross funk. Going through the motions to just get things done. I would pray for something to change me or something to stir my emotions and I'd get nothing. Last night, I texted someone and said I need a serious attitude adjustment. I said something like "I don't know what I'm going to do about it but something has to change"
After that I just prayed. I prayed until I fell asleep last night, I prayed this morning, I prayed at school, I prayed at home, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Some were long and some were just desperate whispers saying "God, please show me something. Anything"
Well I'll be a monkey's aunt! The bible study lesson tonight was about letting go of bitterness and how women become comfortable with unhappy. Once I really realized what Gods been telling me for WEEEEKS I said that I'm done! I went on a drive and was praying and hollering and I was smiling. For no reason. And I turn on KLove and a new song by MikesChair comes on call All I Can Do that's perfect!!! Then Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave. Then a song that was just an awesome praise song. I've turned on KLove a lot because I'm supposed to listen to it. I'm a Christian. I hum the tunes and mindlessly sing the lyrics. Tonight, I was belting out lyrics and singing and living every second because I have someone to sing the songs to! This is the happiest I've been for a while and I'm pumped. And it's awesome!! All it took was a really good metaphorical slap in the face. Maybe this makes zero sense to you, and that's ok. It doesn't really make sense to me either but here's the best way I can explain it:
I am choosing to be happy. My mom has been telling me since sophomore year when all this seemed to start that I just had to choose happy. I argued its not that easy. But it is. I am choosing to let go of bitterness, frustration, control, selfishness, hatred, all of the gross stuff. For real this time. I'm done. And now that I'm over all this stuff that's been holding me down I feel like I can fly. And it's awesome.
