Today was wonderful and I have to tell you why.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. I really want to tell you that everything has been great and smiley but it really hasn't been. There's a lot of little things that have been going on for a while but specifically the last month or so has been really difficult. I had a complete meltdown on Sunday afternoon after I got home from church but before I went back that night, for no reason. I tried to put my finger on exactly what was wrong and honestly, I couldn't figure it out. I just cracked. I felt fine when i got home that night i guess, so i tried to forget about it and move on. Monday and Tuesday were both really tough days. Lots and lots of tears, angry words, minor meltdowns, etc.
I have been trying really really hard lately to do everything right. I don't care if its something as simple as tying my shoes a certain way or acing a test. (Thats an example thats really extreme, but you get the idea) Everything I do HAS to be perfect. This pressure comes from myself and no one else, I promise. But I think the pressure was really starting to get to me.
Today I just relaxed. I didn't stress about the math lesson I was learning, I tried to enjoy gym class and joke around with my friends instead of complaining about feeling like i was wasting my time, I did my best on an English test but didn't freak out and panic when I didn't know the answers, wasn't so hard on myself when I made mistakes throughout the day, and smiled more. I came home and cleaned my room while listening to some awesome worship music, Kamryn came over and we went to dinner and Starbucks before church, and church tonight was just awesome. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks, and I just totally relaxed around the people I was with. I didn't care about what people thought about me and since I wasn't stressing out about what everyone else thought about me I honestly enjoyed the time I had with my youth group :)
Our lesson tonight was about our identity in Christ. While our youth pastor, Russ, was explaining to us what it meant I couldn't stop smiling. I've heard it a hundred times and have taught Sunday school lessons and talked to middle school girls about it but it really really clicked tonight. In Christ I am free to struggle and no matter what happens I'm okay. There's nothing keeping me from having a hundred more days like today because I can wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day, take a deep breath, and just relax in knowing that I am a daughter of the king and that He loves me even with my imperfections. Believe me, there are ALOT of them! I don't have to feel this pressure to be perfect because no matter what I do I'll never be good enough. I can't earn my way into heaven or make God love me more by doing things just right. He already loves me unconditionally and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand that.
Today I have smiled more than I have in months, laughed until tears rolled down my face, and just let go of my "try hard" life. I was reminded that my identity is in Christ- which is something I definitely forgot, and I even cleaned my room ;) Just an awesome day that i am incredibly thankful for.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
One Thousand Gifts (February 3rd-16th)
February 3rd: 3 gifts found in writing
1. My journals I've somewhat kpet up with since freshmen year.
2. Notes and letters from friends and family
3. Cards I've gotten from my kids at church
February 4th: 3 gifts found when bent down
1. Picking up my bedroom. (I'm thankful for the things I have.)
2. "Secrets" whispered in my ear from kids at church
3. Wet, drooling, kisses from my dog.
February 5: a gift stitched, hammered, woven
Stitched: My clothes
Hammered: My home
Woven: My life has been woven with other lives to create beautful patterns and designs. (Haha this was a stretch)
February 6: 3 gifts found outside
1. Fresh air
2. SUNSHINE!!!!
3. Streets I can drive on. I love driving with the windows rolled downand the music turned up :)
February 7: A gift at 11:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m., and 6:30 p.m.
1. Chilling out in Yearbook :) Thankful for this (mostly) relaxing part of the school day
2. Coming home and being able to recollect after the day at school
3. On Tuesdays I'm at the church for prayer service/focus groups. On Wednesdays I'm at the church for REVERB. Those are two favorite parts of the week :)
February 8th:A gift broken, fixed, thrifted
1 and 2. Understanding that by myself I am extremely broken. I can't do anything with Christ. He has fixed me up though, and with Him there isn't anything I can't do.
3. I once had to make about 60 individual "goodie bags" for something I had volunteered for. I bought all the ziplocs, 60 packets of flower seeds, three bags of dum-dums, and index cards to write little notes on for under $20 at Dollar General. Haha =D
February 9th: 3 surprise gifts
1. I was given a super sweet surprise party when we went to FL with the youth group last summer
2. Unexpected boquets of flowers my mom brings home for me on bad days
3. My new cell phone I got for valentines day
February 10th: 3 times heard laughter today
1. In a restaurant
2. In the car
3. In the store
February 11th: 3 gifts in working
1. College Plans
2. Prom Plans
3. Plans in general about the future
February 12th: 3 hard eucharisteos (graces or blessings)
1. My diabetes. It's difficult but it's brought me closer to my friends and family members who struggle with diabetes
2. My migraines. It's hard but God doesn't make me go through it alone. My best friend struggles with the same thing
3. My anxiety. This is new and scary but once again I'm not alone and I've learned a great deal from it.
4. My depression. I've learned that I can't control everything. God is allowing this to happen to me because he's using it to glorify him. Please note again that I'm not going through that alone either. I have a very close family member who also is dealing with same type of depression
February 13th: 3 gifts behind a door
1. Encouraging words I wrote on sheets of paper and hung up in my closet
2. New opportunities
3. In my home I can open the door and come home to a quiet and peaceful place, or a loud and lively place surrounded by lots of people. Both are things that I absolutely love!
February 14th: 3 ways you feel the love of God
1. Through the people He has placed in my life
2. In the moments when I feel like I'm struggling the most He reminds me of His presence
3. When I'm reminded that He is the Prince of Peace and that His mercies are new every morning!
February 15th: A gift in losing, finding, making something
1. The grace I find when I lose the idea that I have to be perfect
2. My identity found in Christ
3. The joy I get from making things for people
February 16th: 3 gifts in shadows
1. A different perspective when your life seems to be darker than it normally is
2. The relaxing shade of big tree
3. Sometimes, really pretty lighting for pictures. ;)
1. My journals I've somewhat kpet up with since freshmen year.
2. Notes and letters from friends and family
3. Cards I've gotten from my kids at church
February 4th: 3 gifts found when bent down
1. Picking up my bedroom. (I'm thankful for the things I have.)
2. "Secrets" whispered in my ear from kids at church
3. Wet, drooling, kisses from my dog.
February 5: a gift stitched, hammered, woven
Stitched: My clothes
Hammered: My home
Woven: My life has been woven with other lives to create beautful patterns and designs. (Haha this was a stretch)
February 6: 3 gifts found outside
1. Fresh air
2. SUNSHINE!!!!
3. Streets I can drive on. I love driving with the windows rolled downand the music turned up :)
February 7: A gift at 11:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m., and 6:30 p.m.
1. Chilling out in Yearbook :) Thankful for this (mostly) relaxing part of the school day
2. Coming home and being able to recollect after the day at school
3. On Tuesdays I'm at the church for prayer service/focus groups. On Wednesdays I'm at the church for REVERB. Those are two favorite parts of the week :)
February 8th:A gift broken, fixed, thrifted
1 and 2. Understanding that by myself I am extremely broken. I can't do anything with Christ. He has fixed me up though, and with Him there isn't anything I can't do.
3. I once had to make about 60 individual "goodie bags" for something I had volunteered for. I bought all the ziplocs, 60 packets of flower seeds, three bags of dum-dums, and index cards to write little notes on for under $20 at Dollar General. Haha =D
February 9th: 3 surprise gifts
1. I was given a super sweet surprise party when we went to FL with the youth group last summer
2. Unexpected boquets of flowers my mom brings home for me on bad days
3. My new cell phone I got for valentines day
February 10th: 3 times heard laughter today
1. In a restaurant
2. In the car
3. In the store
February 11th: 3 gifts in working
1. College Plans
2. Prom Plans
3. Plans in general about the future
February 12th: 3 hard eucharisteos (graces or blessings)
1. My diabetes. It's difficult but it's brought me closer to my friends and family members who struggle with diabetes
2. My migraines. It's hard but God doesn't make me go through it alone. My best friend struggles with the same thing
3. My anxiety. This is new and scary but once again I'm not alone and I've learned a great deal from it.
4. My depression. I've learned that I can't control everything. God is allowing this to happen to me because he's using it to glorify him. Please note again that I'm not going through that alone either. I have a very close family member who also is dealing with same type of depression
February 13th: 3 gifts behind a door
1. Encouraging words I wrote on sheets of paper and hung up in my closet
2. New opportunities
3. In my home I can open the door and come home to a quiet and peaceful place, or a loud and lively place surrounded by lots of people. Both are things that I absolutely love!
February 14th: 3 ways you feel the love of God
1. Through the people He has placed in my life
2. In the moments when I feel like I'm struggling the most He reminds me of His presence
3. When I'm reminded that He is the Prince of Peace and that His mercies are new every morning!
February 15th: A gift in losing, finding, making something
1. The grace I find when I lose the idea that I have to be perfect
2. My identity found in Christ
3. The joy I get from making things for people
February 16th: 3 gifts in shadows
1. A different perspective when your life seems to be darker than it normally is
2. The relaxing shade of big tree
3. Sometimes, really pretty lighting for pictures. ;)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
One Thousand Gifts (Jan 30-Feb. 2nd)
This post is shorter because I included pictures.
January 30: 3 old things seen new
1. How I used to see myself. I used to have horrible self esteem and never thought I was pretty. I think every girl in the world struggles with those thoughts, but I look at my physical appearance much more differently now than I have in the past. I am beautifully and wonderfully made! <3
2. My past mistakes. Looking back at mistakes I've made in the past used to be enough to make me want to hurl; some days it still is. I am really bad about holding onto things I can't change and I'm learning to look at those things differently.
3. My grades. I have spent a lot of time staring at scores and cramming for tests, procrastinating, panicking, freaking out if it isn't perfect. I'm learning that not every single living thing depends on what my algebra grade is, or my English test score was. It's a struggle, but I'm looking at that differently too.
January 31: A gift on paper, in a person, in a picture
Paper: Words and pictures I've collaged over the years that inspire me and make me smile
Person: how self-less my mom is absolutely blows my mind. I can only hope and pray that I'll be even half the person she is one day. She's amazing and her attitude and just who she is as a person is a beautiful and overwhelming-ly awesome gift.
Picture: Being a photography nerd, pictures in general just hold memories. I love that you can look at a picture and just remember. Memories are gifts :) Nature is something I really like to take pictures of, so here are a few of those :)
February 1: 3 things red
1. The red sweater I have on today because it's National American Heart Association Day. I never had any kind of emotional attachment to days like this, or organizations like that, before my grandmother had her stroke. It's not that I didn't care, but that I never thought anyone in my family would have a serious heart problem like that, so I never paid attention to their infomercials. Things like that happen to "other people" never to someone you know. Now I think it's really important to make myself aware of days like today and to support and pray for organizations like this one who's goal is to make people aware of life threatening conditions.
You can read about Strokes here :)
http://www.strokeassociation.org/STROKEORG/AboutStroke/About-Stroke_UCM_308529_SubHomePage.jsp
2. My owl wallet.
3. My red scarves :) Wearing my red and gold one today! Love scarves!
February 2nd:Three gifts on paper (Had a really hard time with this one!)
1. Words in books
2. Letters and cards from friends I keep in a shoebox
3. Wisdom from the bible
January 30: 3 old things seen new
1. How I used to see myself. I used to have horrible self esteem and never thought I was pretty. I think every girl in the world struggles with those thoughts, but I look at my physical appearance much more differently now than I have in the past. I am beautifully and wonderfully made! <3
2. My past mistakes. Looking back at mistakes I've made in the past used to be enough to make me want to hurl; some days it still is. I am really bad about holding onto things I can't change and I'm learning to look at those things differently.
3. My grades. I have spent a lot of time staring at scores and cramming for tests, procrastinating, panicking, freaking out if it isn't perfect. I'm learning that not every single living thing depends on what my algebra grade is, or my English test score was. It's a struggle, but I'm looking at that differently too.
January 31: A gift on paper, in a person, in a picture
Paper: Words and pictures I've collaged over the years that inspire me and make me smile
Person: how self-less my mom is absolutely blows my mind. I can only hope and pray that I'll be even half the person she is one day. She's amazing and her attitude and just who she is as a person is a beautiful and overwhelming-ly awesome gift.
Picture: Being a photography nerd, pictures in general just hold memories. I love that you can look at a picture and just remember. Memories are gifts :) Nature is something I really like to take pictures of, so here are a few of those :)
February 1: 3 things red
1. The red sweater I have on today because it's National American Heart Association Day. I never had any kind of emotional attachment to days like this, or organizations like that, before my grandmother had her stroke. It's not that I didn't care, but that I never thought anyone in my family would have a serious heart problem like that, so I never paid attention to their infomercials. Things like that happen to "other people" never to someone you know. Now I think it's really important to make myself aware of days like today and to support and pray for organizations like this one who's goal is to make people aware of life threatening conditions.
You can read about Strokes here :)
http://www.strokeassociation.org/STROKEORG/AboutStroke/About-Stroke_UCM_308529_SubHomePage.jsp
2. My owl wallet.
3. My red scarves :) Wearing my red and gold one today! Love scarves!
February 2nd:Three gifts on paper (Had a really hard time with this one!)
1. Words in books
2. Letters and cards from friends I keep in a shoebox
3. Wisdom from the bible
A Post to Make You Laugh
Last night I took a Tylenol PM before I went to bed. It was the best night's sleep I've had in a long time, but I had some of the craziest dreams I have ever had. I don't know how I switched from subject to subject so quickly but it was bizarre.I also find it very comical so I thought I would share.
My "first dream" was that our school was performing High School Musical and I had one line after intermission. I couldn't find a script or anyone to tell me what the line was. I was in the play on opening night but I hadn't been to any rehearsals at all. So everyone is dancing around and I'm trying really hard to keep up and stay where I think I should stay. It was weird. We were also in a gym instead of an auditorium and all the audience members had to stand around the sidelines.
My "second" dream was shorter. I was at my church's youth room and one of my friends and I were trying to decide who's car to take on the way home. I said "Hey, let's take my car because it's grey and your car is blue." and he said "Great idea! Plus, I'm glad you said to do that because there is a dead squirrel attached to my bumper I can't get off." ??????? But my car wouldn't start so we had to take his car. I poured myself a bowl of cereal (????????????) and ate it in the backseat and the squirrel had somehow appeared in the backseat with me. This dream has no point besides the fact that I ate cereal in the backseat of a friend's car with a dead squirrel.
The "third" dream was about a cat that had a cat's tail and a dog's tail. A big, scary tiger wanted to catch this cat because it was his favorite treat. (???????????) I found the cat and was talking to him and stuff and he was telling me about all the times he's been captured by the tiger but escaped. Then the tiger tricked both of us into staying in a hotel room with all these closet doors. that had really cute little dog outfits in them.The cat with dog's tail was mad because it couldn't wear any. We hung out and waited further instructions from the tiger.
The "fourth" dream was that I ran a red light in Bartlett and didn't get caught. BUT, I was completely freaking out and dreading telling my parents and afraid I'd get a ticket in the mail.
Then I woke up. I didn't wake up at all last night, so I'm not sure what caused the shift in dreams. It was the most random thing I've probably ever experienced.
My "first dream" was that our school was performing High School Musical and I had one line after intermission. I couldn't find a script or anyone to tell me what the line was. I was in the play on opening night but I hadn't been to any rehearsals at all. So everyone is dancing around and I'm trying really hard to keep up and stay where I think I should stay. It was weird. We were also in a gym instead of an auditorium and all the audience members had to stand around the sidelines.
My "second" dream was shorter. I was at my church's youth room and one of my friends and I were trying to decide who's car to take on the way home. I said "Hey, let's take my car because it's grey and your car is blue." and he said "Great idea! Plus, I'm glad you said to do that because there is a dead squirrel attached to my bumper I can't get off." ??????? But my car wouldn't start so we had to take his car. I poured myself a bowl of cereal (????????????) and ate it in the backseat and the squirrel had somehow appeared in the backseat with me. This dream has no point besides the fact that I ate cereal in the backseat of a friend's car with a dead squirrel.
The "third" dream was about a cat that had a cat's tail and a dog's tail. A big, scary tiger wanted to catch this cat because it was his favorite treat. (???????????) I found the cat and was talking to him and stuff and he was telling me about all the times he's been captured by the tiger but escaped. Then the tiger tricked both of us into staying in a hotel room with all these closet doors. that had really cute little dog outfits in them.The cat with dog's tail was mad because it couldn't wear any. We hung out and waited further instructions from the tiger.
The "fourth" dream was that I ran a red light in Bartlett and didn't get caught. BUT, I was completely freaking out and dreading telling my parents and afraid I'd get a ticket in the mail.
Then I woke up. I didn't wake up at all last night, so I'm not sure what caused the shift in dreams. It was the most random thing I've probably ever experienced.
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