The struggle.

A few weeks ago I posted a blog post titled "I am Free" and I talked briefly about things I struggle with and wrestle with in my life, and how I had this crazy moment when I was driving down a road with the windows rolled down literally yelling and crying out to God that I was done with those things that are holding me back from living the life I want to.

Unfortunately, I didn't mean it. I wish I had, but I didn't. I meant it when I was laughing and praying and praising God in my car, I meant it when I was typing that blog post, I meant it the next day when I was getting up and getting dressed...so what happened? How come I'm right back to square one? I have no clue how I got back, or what keeps coming up over and over again to put me back in the same spot, but I'm really sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in an emotional, spiritual, mental bump on a log mood and I want to get up and truly move on. So what am I doing wrong? I have good intentions so why aren't they providing good results?

Here's what I was reminded of today: because of who Christ is and what He did for me by dying on the cross I don't have to struggle to be free. I don't have to panic about someone not liking me, or have a complete meltdown when I'm feeling like I'm disappointing God. I am free to struggle. I am free to come to the throne of God with confidence, lay down my problems in piles across the ground in front of Him, point at each one and say " God, I have no clue what to do about this. You do though, so you can take it for me. I don't want to worry about it.." And that's all I have to do. I have to ask for help. I have to accept the very simple truth that I don't deserve that help. I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy, or Gods grace, but he gives it to me and to you every day. I've always wondered why. I've always subconsciously questioned why on earth God would continue to forgive someone for the same mistake they make over and over and over again. And I can never come up with an answer that satisfied me. I kept wanting to say "because I've done SOMETHING that makes Hin love me, right? He doesn't actually just love everyone unconditionally, does he? I bet He bangs his head against a wall and gets tired of giving out forgiveness all the time so I bet he walks away sometimes." But none of that is true. I haven't done anything to MAKE God love me. I volunteer in church, I read my bible most of the time, I do my daily devotional, I pray, I lead a bible study, I take notes during sermons, I'm a good little Christian girl. That HAS to make God more proud of me, happier about who I am, and love me more. I know someone who accepted Christ a long time ago, used to go to church, but who doesn't now. They "fell off the path" and now God is far removed from their current lifestyle.. God must not love them as much, right? Hahaha wrong!!! God doesn't play favorites. He loves pastors of churches and He loves people  in prison with a lifetime sentence the same way: unconditionally. So, there is nothing I can do AT ALL to make him love me more because He simply already loves me forever and ever and ever.

What does that unconditional love look like? It means he won't just turn around and walk away when I make a mistake. It means instead of rolling his eyes when I'm upset and crying over something kind of stupid, he's standing there with arms wide open to give me a tight hug and a shoulder to cry on. There's not a thing I could do to make him leave me by myself, and I'm not sure why I have such a hard time understanding that.

So, ladies and gentlemen: I give up. I give up on unattainable expectations of perfection I've placed on my shoulders. I give up on trying my hardest to please others so I will feel accepted. I give up on trying to do more and be more and act more. I give up on living like this. It's exhausting. Everyday there's a civil war raging inside my head. Who I am, who I think others think I am, who I want to be, and who I once was are battling it out inside my brain. Every day the battle continued without any signs of who's winning, but with all signs saying that regardless, I'm losing. Because "Who God wants me to be" isn't one of the girls fighting in this battle. She's off in a dungeon that's forgotten about as a prisoner of the war. She's tired of being ignored. She's trapped because as long as this internal battle continues within me, she can't truly exist. She struggling to get out.

That's the point I'm trying to make. It may not make sense to you, but I'm trying to explain it the best I can: I am struggling to get out. God didn't create me so I could spend all my time stressing out about someone's opinion of me. That's not who God wants me to be. And because I am a born again believer I don't have to. All I have to do is simply choose Jesus and choose to accept that in who He is I am free.

Surreal

Today was a day when I realized I really am graduating high school...

• I stood up with the other seniors at church and gave advice to the younger students in my Sunday school class about high school and staying involved.

• I was recognized in front of our congragation as a graduate and I didn't fall

• I attended my baccalaureate in my cap and gown and made pictures with my family

• I came home and took a nap and wasn't stressed out about the things I could be doing instead

• I woke up and made a really important decision all by myself regarding an event I'm in charge of planning

• I went out for coffee at 8:30pm with a friend without caring at all what time it was

• My mom didn't give me a curfew or any kind of restrictions or instructions regarding this coffee date

I know these are just small, meaningless things to you, but to me these were the little things that hit me and made me realize that I'm going to walk across the stage and graduate in less than 48 hours. Boo yah

Invisible illness questions

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illnesses I live with are: Type 2 Diabetes, chronic migraines, anxiety attacks, and depression.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I was diagnosed with diabetes my sophomore year of high school, migraines in 2012, and anxiety/depression at the end of 2012/beginning of 2013

3. But I had symptoms since: I can remember having symptoms of diabetes for most my sophomore year. I would get kidney infections a lot and that's what ultimately led to being tested. I've struggled with migraines for a couple of years but they got worse after a seizure in July. I've struggled with having anxiety attacks my entire life, but they haven't been as intense as the ones in the past year or so. The depression is new. This started in the past year or so, around same time as seizure. It's clinical, and there is something in my hormone levels that causes it and makes everything off.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: not being hard on myself and blaming myself for the parts I can't control. I also missed a lot of school which was difficult.

5. Most people assume: that I am a happy, upbeat person because of thow I act when I'm around others. I am that person but that is only one layer. I do hurt, I do cry and I do have hard times when dealing with my illnesses. I am human and have a full range of emotions. I think living with any chronic illness comes with highs and lows, days when you are strong, and days when you need strength.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: just getting moving at first. Some days are really good and I don't have any problems! But, some days I wake up with a pounding, crippling headache and I would do just about anything to crawl back under my covers. Sometimes I have a hard night of anxiety attacks and then wake up the next day exhausted and depressed. The depression is the worst when it rains, and rain causes headaches and migraines as well, so it's safe to say rainy days are the hardest.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy and HOUSE. I like HOUSE because of the mysteries and how it wasn't like a lot of other medical shows, and I like Grey's because of the characters and story lines.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my glucose meter to check my blood sugar.

9. The hardest part about nights are: waking up with migraines or waking up with a panic attack in the middle of the night.

10. Each day I take: 3 pills and various vitamins for a few different vitamin deficiencies I have

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: I believe that anything that helps you feel good and doesn’t hurt yourself or others is ok. I think exercise helps with anxiety, depression, and blood sugar levels. I also think that sleep can completely cure a migraine.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I would choose to have an invisible illness. I don't like for people to feel sorry for me, and I don't like to ask for help, so honestly an invisible illness is easier to "hide." Maybe not the best way to look at it, but it's honest. The downside to any invisible illness is that people can have trouble understanding what they can not physically see and think you're faking when you're really struggling.

13. Regarding working and career: When your passion becomes your purpose there is nothing you can’t do. We might think we choose our work, or career but I do believe that god knows what is best for us and finds a way to put us in that path. With what I want to do one day, I'm thankful my illnesses do not hinder me from doing what I love.

14. People would be surprised to know: That I cry ALL the time! A lot if people have puffy eyes and faces after crying for five minutes. I can cry for hours, dry my eyes, wipe my nose, and then go to school or the store or whatever and put on my smile.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: telling others, accepting that I will have bad days, facing challenges rather than running from them, and trying to keep it looking like I have it all together. I'm staying home for my first year of college against my original plans, mostly because of different medications and what not we're trying. That was hard. I'm at peace with it now, but it took a long time to get there.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: live a normal life with diabetes. I thought it was the end of the world when I was diagnosed, and now it's part of who I am.

17. The commercials about my illness:

Diabetes: there are a lot about diabetes awareness which are nice, and a lot about different meters you can buy to monitor blood sugar.

Migraines: none come to mind

Anxiety: none come to mind

Depression: lots! It's kind of downplayed though which is kind of misleading to others. "You're depressed? Pop some medicine, smile, move on! You're fine" is a message I think a lot of depression commercials send, but it isn't that easy unfortunately.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having a good attendance record at school.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: sugar at first, with the diabetes. That's easier now though, and I'm living a healthier lifestyle than I was at one point in my life. 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I actually haven’t taken up any exciting new hobbies that I can think of right now. I would LOVE to learn more about photography and art, or reading more than I get to have time for. 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I would just try to cram as much stuff into a good day as possible. Spend it with family and friends,  relax, have fun, not worry.

22. My illness has taught me: Who my real friends and family are. The people who support you every day, for better or for worse…. in sickness and in health those are the people who truly love you. That god is going to let me bend but not allow me to break. That God is going to throw a lot at me at once to see if I will depend on him. That I am stronger than I think I am. That I don't give up, even when I want to more than anything.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hate when people say depression or anxiety isn't real or people just say they have it to get attention. Type in anxiety disorders, or clinical depression into google and see how many thousands of articles show up talking about if. It's real. I also hate when people say stuff like "oh, you have diabetes? You should eat better and excersise more." Gee, thank you. If only someone had told me that when they told me I had diabetes. I'm not stupid, I know those things help. It's not just diet and excersise though, and there are factors I can't control. It also makes me roll my eyes when people say "I have a migraine" on Facebook or twitter or something. If it was a migraine you'd be throwing up, wanting total silence, in a dark room. You would not be staring at a computer screen or texting your friends. Trust me.

24. But I love it when people: are understanding and nonjudgmental, allowing me to cope with pain in my own ways.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It will be hard, but it will be ok. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: I can still do normall, every day things

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My parents love is endless and has no boundaries. They do nice things constantly, too many to mention or count. But knowing I can count on them is the nicest feeling in the world.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Weekbecause: If all of us do our part, write a blog post, re tweet this post, share on facebook, pass on info.. whatever. Each step is a step closer to awareness, understanding and acceptance. It is the easiest thing we can do, but collectively will make a difference.

This isn't invisible illness awareness week, but I can still show my support and share a piece of my story.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like others may understand a little more now, and if you read this without judging me, I feel loved.