If you are in Christ, you are not struggling to be free.
In Christ, you are free to struggle.
Yes. I've mentioned this in previous blog posts. Probably more than one. It's just something I really struggle with. Whenever I deal with it, writing helps to get my thoughts out. Since writing sometimes takes to much time, I blog. Haha sometimes I think that when I blog I'm just talking to myself but calling it blogging so people won't think I'm crazy. Any of my fellow bloggers feel the same? ;-)
I have an awful habit. I beat myself over things. (De'ja'vu! I've said those same words in previous posts!) Small things, big things, mediocre things, minuscule things, gigantic things, no big deal things, teeny tiny things, massive "omg" things,
anything that
I do wrong things...get where I'm going?
I hate the idea of letting people down. I hate the idea of someone being disappointed in something that I have done. I get fairly upset when I know I've done something wrong. I get extremely upset when I let someone down. It's something I think I've always struggled with. Something worse though? If I feel that crushed when I let others down, how do you think I feel when I think I've let God down?
Every day we make decisions. What to eat for breakfast, what to wear, what to do that day, whether or not to talk to this person or that person, to stay home or go out for lunch, what to eat for lunch, what movie to watch if we have spare time, whether or not we'll do our homework now or frantically do it in 1st period the next day, what to read, what to study, and hundreds more.
Recently I've made some bad decisions. Ones that took me far from my walk with the Lord. When I realized that the decisions I had been making were compromising just that, I did something pretty dumb. Actually, I did something really dumb. I
continued to make bad decisions. I thought "Hey! I can fix my problems on my own and THEN go back to God and how things were."
Yeah because that always works out so well...not.
The small compromises turned into bad decisions, those decisions grew into habits, those habits suddenly developed into little "niceness eating monsters" that I realized were making me unhappy. "Fixing things" by myself was working out great! Don't you think?
*Let me just insert here that I didn't do anything that would like...land me in jail or anything. lol I just realized how dramatic this sounded.*
So there I was...yet again, struggling to deal with my own problems. KNOWING God is right there saying
"Hi. Remember me? I'm right here. Right next to you. I'm watching you try to deal with everything, and I'd love to help you! I would REALLY absolutely love to help you, but you need to ask for my help. You need to ask for my help. You really need to ask for my help! My hand is right here, take it. I can help you! You know I can help you. Just ASK."
After trying, and
massively failing of course, to deal with my own problems I cracked. I broke down and I cried. I actually threw magazines, I got angry, I even broke a coat hanger into 7 or 8 pieces. I was so frustrated with myself! All along I knew what I needed to do, and my stubborn pig headed-ness refused to accept God's helping hand. I INSISTED on fixing things myself and THEN going back to Him. Where did that get me? Stressed out, angry, confused, upset, and no better off than I was.
I asked God for wisdom and peace. For His presence to be shown to me. I didn't ask for forgiveness. Why? I can't really give you a reason....I just didn't. Maybe because deep down, I was still holding on. Holding on to myself, to my problems, to everything. I wanted to feel better, but that doesn't necessarily mean I wanted to work to get to that feeling...if that makes sense.
Weeks and weeks and weeks
before ANY of this happened I discovered you could get sermons off of our church website. I downloaded ALOT of them! That's important information for the following.
I was going to bed one night, but not really tired. I decided to listen to my iPod. Well this crazy thing happened. It was on shuffle and a sermon called "Hypocrisy" came up. I listened to it. One thing stood out to me. I was half asleep as it was 1:00 in the morning at this point. I can't really tell you anything about the sermon I listened to, except for remembering how much I liked this:
"No one else is responsible for your life. You are. You can blame consequences that you've lived with on what people have done to you, but your actions are on you. How you stand before God is on you."
I can't explain it, but something clicked. When I heard that, something made me realize that I
really needed to let go. I needed to ask for forgiveness, and once I did that oh my goodness! I felt soo much beter. I didn't feel guilty about all the bad decisions I've made, or the things I tried to do on my own.
I guess the point is, even though I've said this who knows how many times, is that I can't hanle life on my own.
What was that Melissa? What did you just say?
I can not handle life by myself. I can't.
I know I say that, and I continuously say "Hey! I'm not going to do that anymore!" But here's the thing...as much as I try, I'm not perfect. I try to please everyone, and make everyone proud of me. But, I can't always do that. I'm GOING to fail. I am not perfect and I'm going to fail.
One more time: I am not perfect and I'm going to fail.
If anyone is reading this will you do me a favor? Can you hold me accountable to those words? I know that's a fairly large favor, but all you have to do is just tell me once in a while "Hey! Strawberries and Chocoalte cake!"
WHAT?
No seriously. You can say something goofy like that. We can call it code for "Is there anything your beating yourself up about and need to let go?"
Ridiculous?
Maybe......but if its something that works?
Then Let's do it! Lol
My brother and I fight. ALOT! My mom got fed up with it one day and said that we needed a code word to say when someone got annoying. Or instead of screaming we just say the code word and walk away...What is it? Well...we have 3. "Shmoze" (Like how Buzz Lightyear pronounces s'mores in Toy Story 2) "Piglet" and we hold up our pinky and say in a grumpy, I'm super mad at you voice "I'm gonna love you"
That last one won't make any sense...don't worry about it =) It's too hard to explain. LOL
I can't do things on my own. We all need a little help =)
If there's anything I can do for YOU, tell me <3
Love you!!!
