Unfortunately, I didn't mean it. I wish I had, but I didn't. I meant it when I was laughing and praying and praising God in my car, I meant it when I was typing that blog post, I meant it the next day when I was getting up and getting dressed...so what happened? How come I'm right back to square one? I have no clue how I got back, or what keeps coming up over and over again to put me back in the same spot, but I'm really sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in an emotional, spiritual, mental bump on a log mood and I want to get up and truly move on. So what am I doing wrong? I have good intentions so why aren't they providing good results?
Here's what I was reminded of today: because of who Christ is and what He did for me by dying on the cross I don't have to struggle to be free. I don't have to panic about someone not liking me, or have a complete meltdown when I'm feeling like I'm disappointing God. I am free to struggle. I am free to come to the throne of God with confidence, lay down my problems in piles across the ground in front of Him, point at each one and say " God, I have no clue what to do about this. You do though, so you can take it for me. I don't want to worry about it.." And that's all I have to do. I have to ask for help. I have to accept the very simple truth that I don't deserve that help. I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy, or Gods grace, but he gives it to me and to you every day. I've always wondered why. I've always subconsciously questioned why on earth God would continue to forgive someone for the same mistake they make over and over and over again. And I can never come up with an answer that satisfied me. I kept wanting to say "because I've done SOMETHING that makes Hin love me, right? He doesn't actually just love everyone unconditionally, does he? I bet He bangs his head against a wall and gets tired of giving out forgiveness all the time so I bet he walks away sometimes." But none of that is true. I haven't done anything to MAKE God love me. I volunteer in church, I read my bible most of the time, I do my daily devotional, I pray, I lead a bible study, I take notes during sermons, I'm a good little Christian girl. That HAS to make God more proud of me, happier about who I am, and love me more. I know someone who accepted Christ a long time ago, used to go to church, but who doesn't now. They "fell off the path" and now God is far removed from their current lifestyle.. God must not love them as much, right? Hahaha wrong!!! God doesn't play favorites. He loves pastors of churches and He loves people in prison with a lifetime sentence the same way: unconditionally. So, there is nothing I can do AT ALL to make him love me more because He simply already loves me forever and ever and ever.
What does that unconditional love look like? It means he won't just turn around and walk away when I make a mistake. It means instead of rolling his eyes when I'm upset and crying over something kind of stupid, he's standing there with arms wide open to give me a tight hug and a shoulder to cry on. There's not a thing I could do to make him leave me by myself, and I'm not sure why I have such a hard time understanding that.
So, ladies and gentlemen: I give up. I give up on unattainable expectations of perfection I've placed on my shoulders. I give up on trying my hardest to please others so I will feel accepted. I give up on trying to do more and be more and act more. I give up on living like this. It's exhausting. Everyday there's a civil war raging inside my head. Who I am, who I think others think I am, who I want to be, and who I once was are battling it out inside my brain. Every day the battle continued without any signs of who's winning, but with all signs saying that regardless, I'm losing. Because "Who God wants me to be" isn't one of the girls fighting in this battle. She's off in a dungeon that's forgotten about as a prisoner of the war. She's tired of being ignored. She's trapped because as long as this internal battle continues within me, she can't truly exist. She struggling to get out.
That's the point I'm trying to make. It may not make sense to you, but I'm trying to explain it the best I can: I am struggling to get out. God didn't create me so I could spend all my time stressing out about someone's opinion of me. That's not who God wants me to be. And because I am a born again believer I don't have to. All I have to do is simply choose Jesus and choose to accept that in who He is I am free.
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