Fear. Anxiety. Frustration. People. Shame. Guilt. Change. Control. These are things I've been holding onto and clinging to for months! MONTHS! God has been telling me over and over and over again to let them go and I just couldn't. I could handle it. It's not a big deal. I've got this. I can do it. I don't need help.
I lied.
I don't know exactly when I became totally dependent and focused on just myself and when I started feeling depressed and anxious about everything,but I bet they go hand in hand. I've gotten comfortable with sad and mundane and now it's time to move on! For the first time in probably a year or more I'm fired up about my relationship with God and here's what I'm going to do about it.
First of all I'm gonna tell God that I am letting it go! DONE. I was driving down highway 70 and I rolled down the window and said "God, I've locked myself in a prison on self pity and self consciousness and fear and that's not how you want me to live. I've sat here long enough so let's do this together and get out of this." And then I started yelling all the words I typed up top. "FEAR" "ANXIETY" "SCHOOL" "DRAMA" "GUILT" and others. I want to remember that every time I drive down that road so I have a constant reminder that I gave it all up. No more. I've been trying to keep all this bottled up for so long and now it's all just tumbling out.
Second, I'm going to fall in love with Jesus again. He hasn't been my first love for a while and I'm going to do whatever I have to change that. Someone told me pretty recently that I had fallen out of love with Jesus and I didn't want to believe them. I'm a good Christian girl, of course I love Jesus. Unfortunately that's not true. A relationship takes two people. I wanted Jesus on Sundays and at church but I didn't want him to help with my stuff. I didnt talk to him. I stopped getting to know him. Well, I want to get to know him and I want to talk to him and let him get to know me.
Third, I'm going to surround myself with people who are going to help me up. I'm picking myself up off the ground and no one can do that for me. I'm confident for the first time in years that I can truly do that because I'm NOT doing it alone. I need to tell others though and accept help and advice and hang out with people who will bring me up.
This is just so crazy. I can try to explain it the best I can but I don't know how it'll sound to you. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with God for months. Maybe even a year or two. Sure, I have had high times and low, but overall it's just been a gross funk. Going through the motions to just get things done. I would pray for something to change me or something to stir my emotions and I'd get nothing. Last night, I texted someone and said I need a serious attitude adjustment. I said something like "I don't know what I'm going to do about it but something has to change"
After that I just prayed. I prayed until I fell asleep last night, I prayed this morning, I prayed at school, I prayed at home, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Some were long and some were just desperate whispers saying "God, please show me something. Anything"
Well I'll be a monkey's aunt! The bible study lesson tonight was about letting go of bitterness and how women become comfortable with unhappy. Once I really realized what Gods been telling me for WEEEEKS I said that I'm done! I went on a drive and was praying and hollering and I was smiling. For no reason. And I turn on KLove and a new song by MikesChair comes on call All I Can Do that's perfect!!! Then Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave. Then a song that was just an awesome praise song. I've turned on KLove a lot because I'm supposed to listen to it. I'm a Christian. I hum the tunes and mindlessly sing the lyrics. Tonight, I was belting out lyrics and singing and living every second because I have someone to sing the songs to! This is the happiest I've been for a while and I'm pumped. And it's awesome!! All it took was a really good metaphorical slap in the face. Maybe this makes zero sense to you, and that's ok. It doesn't really make sense to me either but here's the best way I can explain it:
I am choosing to be happy. My mom has been telling me since sophomore year when all this seemed to start that I just had to choose happy. I argued its not that easy. But it is. I am choosing to let go of bitterness, frustration, control, selfishness, hatred, all of the gross stuff. For real this time. I'm done. And now that I'm over all this stuff that's been holding me down I feel like I can fly. And it's awesome.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
One Thousand Gifts (March 8th-26th
March 8th: 3 gifts loud
1. The hallways at school drive me nuts because they are crowded, stinky, and smelly. They're always SUPER loud in between classes, but I'm thankful for a place to learn
2. My car. If it's warmer than 45 degrees the windows are down and the music is turned up. Always. :)
3. Concerts I've been to with the youth group
March 9th:3 gifts carved
1. I like looking at my parents wedding pictures and there is a cute one of them "carving" the cake that's really cute.
2. Memories of carving a pumpkin with Kamryn and Brandon at Halloween
3. A cross necklace that I got on a youth retreat a few years ago
March 10th:3 gifts in Christ
1. Unconditional Love
2. Undeserved Grace
3. Peace
March 11th:3 gifts read
1. Graceful: For Young Women by Emily Young
2. There You'll Be by Jenny B. Jones
3. The Christy Miller Series by Robin Jones Gunn
March 12th: A gift in wind, in water, in white
1. A gentle breeze on a pretty spring day
2. Swimming in the ocean in the summertime
3. White napkins to use at picnics outside :)
March 13th: 3 gifts round (HARD)
1. Um...my class ring
2. Ummm...the tires on my car
3. Ummmmm...I keep thinking of other shapes!!!!! Uhh...when the youth group gets together for pizza (that's round) parties and movie nights (DVDs are round)
March 14th: 3 gifts found in silence
1. Being able to regroup and relax
2. Quiet time reading my devotional and praying
3. Daydreaming
March 15th: 3 gifts given away
1. Time
2. Scrapbook I made when my best friend moved away
3. Not really a "gift" but I like writing letters and little notes to friends and family
March 16th: 3 hard graces
1. When someone tells you something you NEED to hear but absolutely do not want to.
2. When you're in the middle of a storm of life and everything seems to be coming at you from all sides...because that's when you cling to God the most, or run away and are accepted back with His open arms
3. Doing something you don't want to do to benefit yourself later on in life. (i.e going to Memphis University my freshman year instead of a different school in another state)
March 17th: a gift turned, folded, hung
1. When you forgive someone you "turn over a new leaf"
2. My mom folds my laundry :D
3. My prom dress hanging up (or it will once it comes in from the store)
March 18th: 3 gifts red
1. The services that the fire (red) department provides. Funny story: I don't know when this was but one time my parents had to call the fire department because they smelled something burning and it ended up being a fly that had flown into a halogen lamp and was burning and dying. Ha!
2. Apple(red)sauce(not red...) at lunchtime
3. My Teaching as a Profession binder for 7th period. Definitely a favorite class
March 19th: 3 gifts eaten
1. Fettuccine Alfredo (my favorite!)
2. Granola Bars for breakfast on the run
3. Thankful that my family doesn't have to worry about where the next meal is going to come from
March 20th: 3 gifts that make you laugh
1. My brother
2. My Mom and my Dad
3. The middle school girls
March 21st: a gift salty, sweet, and just right
1. Lays Classic Potato Chips
2. Ice Cream
3. Pretzal M&ms or Peanut Butter M&ms
March 22nd: 3 gifts found in his word
1. It always blows my mind when I read something that really applies to me. Especially first thing in the morning, it makes the day seem much smoother
2. When I'm stressed out about stuff and I read verses about Peace
3. When I am reminded of how much He loves me
March 23rd: 3 gifts found in women today
1. My mom's humble attitude
2. My best friend's sense of humor that always can make me laugh
3. Watching women at church serve in different ways
March 24th: 3 gifts spoken
1. Hearing words of encouragement spoken to me
2. Listening to words of advice and wisdom
3. Listening to Sunday School lessons from Rhett
March 25th: A gift sung, written, painted
1. The Stand is one of my favorite songs
2. Letters written to me I keep in a scrapbook
3. A cross collage my cousin painted for me
March 26th: 3 gifts almost gone
1. My high school experiance!
2. My time as a "kid"
3. My lunch...because I'm eating it
1. The hallways at school drive me nuts because they are crowded, stinky, and smelly. They're always SUPER loud in between classes, but I'm thankful for a place to learn
2. My car. If it's warmer than 45 degrees the windows are down and the music is turned up. Always. :)
3. Concerts I've been to with the youth group
March 9th:3 gifts carved
1. I like looking at my parents wedding pictures and there is a cute one of them "carving" the cake that's really cute.
2. Memories of carving a pumpkin with Kamryn and Brandon at Halloween
3. A cross necklace that I got on a youth retreat a few years ago
March 10th:3 gifts in Christ
1. Unconditional Love
2. Undeserved Grace
3. Peace
March 11th:3 gifts read
1. Graceful: For Young Women by Emily Young
2. There You'll Be by Jenny B. Jones
3. The Christy Miller Series by Robin Jones Gunn
March 12th: A gift in wind, in water, in white
1. A gentle breeze on a pretty spring day
2. Swimming in the ocean in the summertime
3. White napkins to use at picnics outside :)
March 13th: 3 gifts round (HARD)
1. Um...my class ring
2. Ummm...the tires on my car
3. Ummmmm...I keep thinking of other shapes!!!!! Uhh...when the youth group gets together for pizza (that's round) parties and movie nights (DVDs are round)
March 14th: 3 gifts found in silence
1. Being able to regroup and relax
2. Quiet time reading my devotional and praying
3. Daydreaming
March 15th: 3 gifts given away
1. Time
2. Scrapbook I made when my best friend moved away
3. Not really a "gift" but I like writing letters and little notes to friends and family
March 16th: 3 hard graces
1. When someone tells you something you NEED to hear but absolutely do not want to.
2. When you're in the middle of a storm of life and everything seems to be coming at you from all sides...because that's when you cling to God the most, or run away and are accepted back with His open arms
3. Doing something you don't want to do to benefit yourself later on in life. (i.e going to Memphis University my freshman year instead of a different school in another state)
March 17th: a gift turned, folded, hung
1. When you forgive someone you "turn over a new leaf"
2. My mom folds my laundry :D
3. My prom dress hanging up (or it will once it comes in from the store)
March 18th: 3 gifts red
1. The services that the fire (red) department provides. Funny story: I don't know when this was but one time my parents had to call the fire department because they smelled something burning and it ended up being a fly that had flown into a halogen lamp and was burning and dying. Ha!
2. Apple(red)sauce(not red...) at lunchtime
3. My Teaching as a Profession binder for 7th period. Definitely a favorite class
March 19th: 3 gifts eaten
1. Fettuccine Alfredo (my favorite!)
2. Granola Bars for breakfast on the run
3. Thankful that my family doesn't have to worry about where the next meal is going to come from
March 20th: 3 gifts that make you laugh
1. My brother
2. My Mom and my Dad
3. The middle school girls
March 21st: a gift salty, sweet, and just right
1. Lays Classic Potato Chips
2. Ice Cream
3. Pretzal M&ms or Peanut Butter M&ms
March 22nd: 3 gifts found in his word
1. It always blows my mind when I read something that really applies to me. Especially first thing in the morning, it makes the day seem much smoother
2. When I'm stressed out about stuff and I read verses about Peace
3. When I am reminded of how much He loves me
March 23rd: 3 gifts found in women today
1. My mom's humble attitude
2. My best friend's sense of humor that always can make me laugh
3. Watching women at church serve in different ways
March 24th: 3 gifts spoken
1. Hearing words of encouragement spoken to me
2. Listening to words of advice and wisdom
3. Listening to Sunday School lessons from Rhett
March 25th: A gift sung, written, painted
1. The Stand is one of my favorite songs
2. Letters written to me I keep in a scrapbook
3. A cross collage my cousin painted for me
March 26th: 3 gifts almost gone
1. My high school experiance!
2. My time as a "kid"
3. My lunch...because I'm eating it
Monday, March 25, 2013
One Thousand Gifts March 1st-7th
March 1st: 3 gifts at 3pm
1. Relaxing at home after a long day at school
2. A quick snack while watching TV (usually Reba)
3. Starting homework...well, that's what I SHOULD be doing at 3 anyway.
March 2nd: 3 things green (feeling nostalgic today)
1. I don't know what made me think of this. In the summer time when I was little I remember running in the Elmo sprinkler in the backyard barefoot. I'd be soaked, there would be grass stuck all over my feet, and when I went to the hose to wash them off a puddle of thick, brown, mud would collect around the flower bed. The next day if it wasn't all dried up it would make it really easy to dig in and michael and I really liked to dig holes in the backyard. I remember digging under the stupid gum-ball tree one time and hitting a white pipe and Michael and I completely freaked out because we thought we had found a dinosaur bone. Ha!
2. Green army men that Michael used to have everywhere. It wasn't uncommon for me to find a little green dude in my polly pocket box or barbie house
3. At our old house we had a floral wallpaper in my room. It was green vine type things with blue and yellow flowers all over it. (That sounds really ugly, but it was really really pretty. I hated it for a long time, but I kind of miss it now)
March 3rd: 3 gifts wore
1. A yellow scarf from my friend Kamryn
2. My class ring
3. Headbands from my grandparents
March 4th: 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
1. People who have hurt me. It's very easy to hold a grudge and hate people, but it's much more difficult to forgive them, love them, and thank God for them
2. When you're in the middle of a storm in life it can be very hard to thank God and praise Him under all circumstances. It's much easier to praise Him when everything is going good.
3. When people just do random, nice things for me I have a hard time just accepting them and saying thank-you. I'm also not very good at accepting compliments. Haha, I guess it makes me uncomfortable a bit so I usually just say a quick thanks and change the subject. :)
March 5th: 3 things found
1. My Bible!!!!! It was under a pile of clothes on my dresser behind a book...don't judge. ;o) My room is a wreck and when I was cleaning it the other day I found it. I've been using my iPod or my mom's bible for weeks!
2. My other shoe. I mean, I have lots of shoes but there was one shoe in particular that was missing. It was my black ballet flat with the bow on the front that is probably one of my favorites. It was under my bed...behind a tissue box. Also found while cleaning.
3. Postcards from various trips I've taken. I like collecting postcards from places I've been because they're usually pretty cheap and I can jot down the dates of the trip on the back of it. :) I found a lot of them in a shoebox in my closet the other day while I was cleaning it out. Isn't it cool, all the stuff you can find when you clean your room? I don't even clean up more than half of it because I'm so excited about all the things I've found.
March 6th: A gift bent, broken, beautiful
1. Haha, ok. I got a chinese yo yo from my mom from Pier One Imports a few weeks ago when I was having a bad day. I was playing with it all afternoon when I got home that day and I hit my mom in the face with it BY ACCIDENT. She was pretty mad, but what she didn't know is that her face bent my yo yo and I can't use it anymore. :( Good thing it was only like a dollar. Hahahaha! :D
2. When the internet "breaks" or goes down and instead of instant messaging someone on facebook or twitter, you actually have to call them. I think we forget how important actually talking to people is, instead of texting or messaging or tweeting.
3. Happy people who are laughing and smiling, people I know or people I don't, and really beautiful.
March 7th: Three gifts in the kitchen
1. Microwave because I hate cooking things on a stove
2. Milk because I love cereal and it doesn't involve cooking
3. Easymac because it's microwavable, easy, tasty, and doesn't involve cooking
1. Relaxing at home after a long day at school
2. A quick snack while watching TV (usually Reba)
3. Starting homework...well, that's what I SHOULD be doing at 3 anyway.
March 2nd: 3 things green (feeling nostalgic today)
1. I don't know what made me think of this. In the summer time when I was little I remember running in the Elmo sprinkler in the backyard barefoot. I'd be soaked, there would be grass stuck all over my feet, and when I went to the hose to wash them off a puddle of thick, brown, mud would collect around the flower bed. The next day if it wasn't all dried up it would make it really easy to dig in and michael and I really liked to dig holes in the backyard. I remember digging under the stupid gum-ball tree one time and hitting a white pipe and Michael and I completely freaked out because we thought we had found a dinosaur bone. Ha!
2. Green army men that Michael used to have everywhere. It wasn't uncommon for me to find a little green dude in my polly pocket box or barbie house
3. At our old house we had a floral wallpaper in my room. It was green vine type things with blue and yellow flowers all over it. (That sounds really ugly, but it was really really pretty. I hated it for a long time, but I kind of miss it now)
March 3rd: 3 gifts wore
1. A yellow scarf from my friend Kamryn
2. My class ring
3. Headbands from my grandparents
March 4th: 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
1. People who have hurt me. It's very easy to hold a grudge and hate people, but it's much more difficult to forgive them, love them, and thank God for them
2. When you're in the middle of a storm in life it can be very hard to thank God and praise Him under all circumstances. It's much easier to praise Him when everything is going good.
3. When people just do random, nice things for me I have a hard time just accepting them and saying thank-you. I'm also not very good at accepting compliments. Haha, I guess it makes me uncomfortable a bit so I usually just say a quick thanks and change the subject. :)
March 5th: 3 things found
1. My Bible!!!!! It was under a pile of clothes on my dresser behind a book...don't judge. ;o) My room is a wreck and when I was cleaning it the other day I found it. I've been using my iPod or my mom's bible for weeks!
2. My other shoe. I mean, I have lots of shoes but there was one shoe in particular that was missing. It was my black ballet flat with the bow on the front that is probably one of my favorites. It was under my bed...behind a tissue box. Also found while cleaning.
3. Postcards from various trips I've taken. I like collecting postcards from places I've been because they're usually pretty cheap and I can jot down the dates of the trip on the back of it. :) I found a lot of them in a shoebox in my closet the other day while I was cleaning it out. Isn't it cool, all the stuff you can find when you clean your room? I don't even clean up more than half of it because I'm so excited about all the things I've found.
March 6th: A gift bent, broken, beautiful
1. Haha, ok. I got a chinese yo yo from my mom from Pier One Imports a few weeks ago when I was having a bad day. I was playing with it all afternoon when I got home that day and I hit my mom in the face with it BY ACCIDENT. She was pretty mad, but what she didn't know is that her face bent my yo yo and I can't use it anymore. :( Good thing it was only like a dollar. Hahahaha! :D
2. When the internet "breaks" or goes down and instead of instant messaging someone on facebook or twitter, you actually have to call them. I think we forget how important actually talking to people is, instead of texting or messaging or tweeting.
3. Happy people who are laughing and smiling, people I know or people I don't, and really beautiful.
March 7th: Three gifts in the kitchen
1. Microwave because I hate cooking things on a stove
2. Milk because I love cereal and it doesn't involve cooking
3. Easymac because it's microwavable, easy, tasty, and doesn't involve cooking
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
One Thousand Gifts (Feb. 17th-28th)
Feb. 17th: 3 gifts in giving/serving
1. Making other people smile
2. Being able to serve kids and the middle school girls
3. Doing things anonymously
Feb. 18th: 3 gifts on paper
1. God's Word
2. Words I've written in my journals
3. A book my mom got me on my 16th birthday called "Eat Your Peas Daughter"
Feb. 19th:3 gifts that were "Plan Bs"
1. Yearbook :) I thought I would do newspaper my junior and senior year because I didn't like it at all my sophmore year. I'm really glad I stuck with it!
2. Deciding about college. I grew up and always thought I would absolutely for sure go to Memphis. No doubt in my mind. Now, I am shopping around and looking at different colleges which is something I never thought I would do. Still not sure where I'll end up, and it might end up being Memphis, but no matter what I decide I know that God is going to take care of me.
3. The Middle School Girls Bible Study: this isn't a Plan B but it's something I never saw myself doing.
Feb. 20th: a gift at breakfast, lunch, and dinner
1. Cereal. I really like cereal. It's one of those random things I can eat at any point of the day...
2. Time spent with friends
3. Time spent with family
Feb. 21st: 3 gifts white
1. Snow (Which we aren't getting enough of this year by the way...)
2. White sandy beaches
3. Fresh cotton scents
Feb. 22nd: 3 gifts that changed today
1. My attitude
2. My persepctive
3. My schedule
Feb. 23rd: a gift of tin, glass, wood
1. Tin cans from soup in the winter
2. Windows that let sunshine in
3. Wooden cross necklace I got from a youth retreat a few years ago
Feb. 24th: 3 gifts before 11 am
1. A sunrise symbolizing a new day
2. All of my hard classes are over with by 11 am :)
3. On Sundays when we have Sunday School with the youth group
Feb. 25th: a gift worn out, new, made-do
1. My teddy bear, Bear-y. I've had it since I was a year old and it has gone absolutely everywhere with me whenever I go to spend the night somewhere even to do this day
2. New possibilities and opportunities that are presenting themselves
3. (Stole from Christina A.) My body. I'm not physically fit or a size zero, but God has blessed me with many great qualities! I'm working on getting healthier by making new choices, but I'm still happy with who I am and who God has made me to be! He's still working on me!
Feb. 26th: 3 gifts seen as reflections (Reflecting on things, or mirror reflections? It doesn't matter I don't guess...)
1. Memories of sitting on the beach
2. Thinking about all the time I've spent with the people I love and care about
3. Watching my reflection in the water on the lake when we went boating or jet skiing on the lake when I was younger.
Feb. 27th: Three ugly/beautiful gifts
1. A pair of pajama pants that are worn thin, have holes in them, but that are oh so comfortable!
2. My mom has this scotty-dog angel statue thing that is seriously one of the creepiest things I've ever seen. It's beautiful though because I know that it's special to her and that she really likes it.
3. My dog has a pillow he sits on all the time in "his" corner of the couch. It's gotten pretty stinky and lumpy and strange looking. It's really ugly, but we won't throw it away because he likes it so much.
Feb. 28th:Three gifts from the past that help me trust the future
1. God's taken care of me. He hasn't let me give up and even though I've tried to run away from Him on numerous occasions He's still kept up with me walking or running right along side me.
2. My diabetes. I thought getting diabetes was going to be the end of the world, but it's something that I've accepted and it's part of my life now. Even though I don't always like it, and it can be a big pain in the butt sometimes, I'm thankful that it's something I can control. Dealing with the diagnosis and all the things that came with it I know I can get through other things, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had happen to me, but I got through it. Knowing I overcame that, I know I can overcome other things that are thrown at me in this life.
3. I've learned from my past that I can't always do things by myself and that it's okay to ask others for help. I can ask others to pray for me, I can ask others to help me when I need it, and I can ask others just to listen when I need them to.
1. Making other people smile
2. Being able to serve kids and the middle school girls
3. Doing things anonymously
Feb. 18th: 3 gifts on paper
1. God's Word
2. Words I've written in my journals
3. A book my mom got me on my 16th birthday called "Eat Your Peas Daughter"
Feb. 19th:3 gifts that were "Plan Bs"
1. Yearbook :) I thought I would do newspaper my junior and senior year because I didn't like it at all my sophmore year. I'm really glad I stuck with it!
2. Deciding about college. I grew up and always thought I would absolutely for sure go to Memphis. No doubt in my mind. Now, I am shopping around and looking at different colleges which is something I never thought I would do. Still not sure where I'll end up, and it might end up being Memphis, but no matter what I decide I know that God is going to take care of me.
3. The Middle School Girls Bible Study: this isn't a Plan B but it's something I never saw myself doing.
Feb. 20th: a gift at breakfast, lunch, and dinner
1. Cereal. I really like cereal. It's one of those random things I can eat at any point of the day...
2. Time spent with friends
3. Time spent with family
Feb. 21st: 3 gifts white
1. Snow (Which we aren't getting enough of this year by the way...)
2. White sandy beaches
3. Fresh cotton scents
Feb. 22nd: 3 gifts that changed today
1. My attitude
2. My persepctive
3. My schedule
Feb. 23rd: a gift of tin, glass, wood
1. Tin cans from soup in the winter
2. Windows that let sunshine in
3. Wooden cross necklace I got from a youth retreat a few years ago
Feb. 24th: 3 gifts before 11 am
1. A sunrise symbolizing a new day
2. All of my hard classes are over with by 11 am :)
3. On Sundays when we have Sunday School with the youth group
Feb. 25th: a gift worn out, new, made-do
1. My teddy bear, Bear-y. I've had it since I was a year old and it has gone absolutely everywhere with me whenever I go to spend the night somewhere even to do this day
2. New possibilities and opportunities that are presenting themselves
3. (Stole from Christina A.) My body. I'm not physically fit or a size zero, but God has blessed me with many great qualities! I'm working on getting healthier by making new choices, but I'm still happy with who I am and who God has made me to be! He's still working on me!
Feb. 26th: 3 gifts seen as reflections (Reflecting on things, or mirror reflections? It doesn't matter I don't guess...)
1. Memories of sitting on the beach
2. Thinking about all the time I've spent with the people I love and care about
3. Watching my reflection in the water on the lake when we went boating or jet skiing on the lake when I was younger.
Feb. 27th: Three ugly/beautiful gifts
1. A pair of pajama pants that are worn thin, have holes in them, but that are oh so comfortable!
2. My mom has this scotty-dog angel statue thing that is seriously one of the creepiest things I've ever seen. It's beautiful though because I know that it's special to her and that she really likes it.
3. My dog has a pillow he sits on all the time in "his" corner of the couch. It's gotten pretty stinky and lumpy and strange looking. It's really ugly, but we won't throw it away because he likes it so much.
Feb. 28th:Three gifts from the past that help me trust the future
1. God's taken care of me. He hasn't let me give up and even though I've tried to run away from Him on numerous occasions He's still kept up with me walking or running right along side me.
2. My diabetes. I thought getting diabetes was going to be the end of the world, but it's something that I've accepted and it's part of my life now. Even though I don't always like it, and it can be a big pain in the butt sometimes, I'm thankful that it's something I can control. Dealing with the diagnosis and all the things that came with it I know I can get through other things, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had happen to me, but I got through it. Knowing I overcame that, I know I can overcome other things that are thrown at me in this life.
3. I've learned from my past that I can't always do things by myself and that it's okay to ask others for help. I can ask others to pray for me, I can ask others to help me when I need it, and I can ask others just to listen when I need them to.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
I can't stop smiling...
Today was wonderful and I have to tell you why.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. I really want to tell you that everything has been great and smiley but it really hasn't been. There's a lot of little things that have been going on for a while but specifically the last month or so has been really difficult. I had a complete meltdown on Sunday afternoon after I got home from church but before I went back that night, for no reason. I tried to put my finger on exactly what was wrong and honestly, I couldn't figure it out. I just cracked. I felt fine when i got home that night i guess, so i tried to forget about it and move on. Monday and Tuesday were both really tough days. Lots and lots of tears, angry words, minor meltdowns, etc.
I have been trying really really hard lately to do everything right. I don't care if its something as simple as tying my shoes a certain way or acing a test. (Thats an example thats really extreme, but you get the idea) Everything I do HAS to be perfect. This pressure comes from myself and no one else, I promise. But I think the pressure was really starting to get to me.
Today I just relaxed. I didn't stress about the math lesson I was learning, I tried to enjoy gym class and joke around with my friends instead of complaining about feeling like i was wasting my time, I did my best on an English test but didn't freak out and panic when I didn't know the answers, wasn't so hard on myself when I made mistakes throughout the day, and smiled more. I came home and cleaned my room while listening to some awesome worship music, Kamryn came over and we went to dinner and Starbucks before church, and church tonight was just awesome. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks, and I just totally relaxed around the people I was with. I didn't care about what people thought about me and since I wasn't stressing out about what everyone else thought about me I honestly enjoyed the time I had with my youth group :)
Our lesson tonight was about our identity in Christ. While our youth pastor, Russ, was explaining to us what it meant I couldn't stop smiling. I've heard it a hundred times and have taught Sunday school lessons and talked to middle school girls about it but it really really clicked tonight. In Christ I am free to struggle and no matter what happens I'm okay. There's nothing keeping me from having a hundred more days like today because I can wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day, take a deep breath, and just relax in knowing that I am a daughter of the king and that He loves me even with my imperfections. Believe me, there are ALOT of them! I don't have to feel this pressure to be perfect because no matter what I do I'll never be good enough. I can't earn my way into heaven or make God love me more by doing things just right. He already loves me unconditionally and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand that.
Today I have smiled more than I have in months, laughed until tears rolled down my face, and just let go of my "try hard" life. I was reminded that my identity is in Christ- which is something I definitely forgot, and I even cleaned my room ;) Just an awesome day that i am incredibly thankful for.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. I really want to tell you that everything has been great and smiley but it really hasn't been. There's a lot of little things that have been going on for a while but specifically the last month or so has been really difficult. I had a complete meltdown on Sunday afternoon after I got home from church but before I went back that night, for no reason. I tried to put my finger on exactly what was wrong and honestly, I couldn't figure it out. I just cracked. I felt fine when i got home that night i guess, so i tried to forget about it and move on. Monday and Tuesday were both really tough days. Lots and lots of tears, angry words, minor meltdowns, etc.
I have been trying really really hard lately to do everything right. I don't care if its something as simple as tying my shoes a certain way or acing a test. (Thats an example thats really extreme, but you get the idea) Everything I do HAS to be perfect. This pressure comes from myself and no one else, I promise. But I think the pressure was really starting to get to me.
Today I just relaxed. I didn't stress about the math lesson I was learning, I tried to enjoy gym class and joke around with my friends instead of complaining about feeling like i was wasting my time, I did my best on an English test but didn't freak out and panic when I didn't know the answers, wasn't so hard on myself when I made mistakes throughout the day, and smiled more. I came home and cleaned my room while listening to some awesome worship music, Kamryn came over and we went to dinner and Starbucks before church, and church tonight was just awesome. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks, and I just totally relaxed around the people I was with. I didn't care about what people thought about me and since I wasn't stressing out about what everyone else thought about me I honestly enjoyed the time I had with my youth group :)
Our lesson tonight was about our identity in Christ. While our youth pastor, Russ, was explaining to us what it meant I couldn't stop smiling. I've heard it a hundred times and have taught Sunday school lessons and talked to middle school girls about it but it really really clicked tonight. In Christ I am free to struggle and no matter what happens I'm okay. There's nothing keeping me from having a hundred more days like today because I can wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day, take a deep breath, and just relax in knowing that I am a daughter of the king and that He loves me even with my imperfections. Believe me, there are ALOT of them! I don't have to feel this pressure to be perfect because no matter what I do I'll never be good enough. I can't earn my way into heaven or make God love me more by doing things just right. He already loves me unconditionally and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand that.
Today I have smiled more than I have in months, laughed until tears rolled down my face, and just let go of my "try hard" life. I was reminded that my identity is in Christ- which is something I definitely forgot, and I even cleaned my room ;) Just an awesome day that i am incredibly thankful for.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
One Thousand Gifts (February 3rd-16th)
February 3rd: 3 gifts found in writing
1. My journals I've somewhat kpet up with since freshmen year.
2. Notes and letters from friends and family
3. Cards I've gotten from my kids at church
February 4th: 3 gifts found when bent down
1. Picking up my bedroom. (I'm thankful for the things I have.)
2. "Secrets" whispered in my ear from kids at church
3. Wet, drooling, kisses from my dog.
February 5: a gift stitched, hammered, woven
Stitched: My clothes
Hammered: My home
Woven: My life has been woven with other lives to create beautful patterns and designs. (Haha this was a stretch)
February 6: 3 gifts found outside
1. Fresh air
2. SUNSHINE!!!!
3. Streets I can drive on. I love driving with the windows rolled downand the music turned up :)
February 7: A gift at 11:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m., and 6:30 p.m.
1. Chilling out in Yearbook :) Thankful for this (mostly) relaxing part of the school day
2. Coming home and being able to recollect after the day at school
3. On Tuesdays I'm at the church for prayer service/focus groups. On Wednesdays I'm at the church for REVERB. Those are two favorite parts of the week :)
February 8th:A gift broken, fixed, thrifted
1 and 2. Understanding that by myself I am extremely broken. I can't do anything with Christ. He has fixed me up though, and with Him there isn't anything I can't do.
3. I once had to make about 60 individual "goodie bags" for something I had volunteered for. I bought all the ziplocs, 60 packets of flower seeds, three bags of dum-dums, and index cards to write little notes on for under $20 at Dollar General. Haha =D
February 9th: 3 surprise gifts
1. I was given a super sweet surprise party when we went to FL with the youth group last summer
2. Unexpected boquets of flowers my mom brings home for me on bad days
3. My new cell phone I got for valentines day
February 10th: 3 times heard laughter today
1. In a restaurant
2. In the car
3. In the store
February 11th: 3 gifts in working
1. College Plans
2. Prom Plans
3. Plans in general about the future
February 12th: 3 hard eucharisteos (graces or blessings)
1. My diabetes. It's difficult but it's brought me closer to my friends and family members who struggle with diabetes
2. My migraines. It's hard but God doesn't make me go through it alone. My best friend struggles with the same thing
3. My anxiety. This is new and scary but once again I'm not alone and I've learned a great deal from it.
4. My depression. I've learned that I can't control everything. God is allowing this to happen to me because he's using it to glorify him. Please note again that I'm not going through that alone either. I have a very close family member who also is dealing with same type of depression
February 13th: 3 gifts behind a door
1. Encouraging words I wrote on sheets of paper and hung up in my closet
2. New opportunities
3. In my home I can open the door and come home to a quiet and peaceful place, or a loud and lively place surrounded by lots of people. Both are things that I absolutely love!
February 14th: 3 ways you feel the love of God
1. Through the people He has placed in my life
2. In the moments when I feel like I'm struggling the most He reminds me of His presence
3. When I'm reminded that He is the Prince of Peace and that His mercies are new every morning!
February 15th: A gift in losing, finding, making something
1. The grace I find when I lose the idea that I have to be perfect
2. My identity found in Christ
3. The joy I get from making things for people
February 16th: 3 gifts in shadows
1. A different perspective when your life seems to be darker than it normally is
2. The relaxing shade of big tree
3. Sometimes, really pretty lighting for pictures. ;)
1. My journals I've somewhat kpet up with since freshmen year.
2. Notes and letters from friends and family
3. Cards I've gotten from my kids at church
February 4th: 3 gifts found when bent down
1. Picking up my bedroom. (I'm thankful for the things I have.)
2. "Secrets" whispered in my ear from kids at church
3. Wet, drooling, kisses from my dog.
February 5: a gift stitched, hammered, woven
Stitched: My clothes
Hammered: My home
Woven: My life has been woven with other lives to create beautful patterns and designs. (Haha this was a stretch)
February 6: 3 gifts found outside
1. Fresh air
2. SUNSHINE!!!!
3. Streets I can drive on. I love driving with the windows rolled downand the music turned up :)
February 7: A gift at 11:30 a.m., 2:30 p.m., and 6:30 p.m.
1. Chilling out in Yearbook :) Thankful for this (mostly) relaxing part of the school day
2. Coming home and being able to recollect after the day at school
3. On Tuesdays I'm at the church for prayer service/focus groups. On Wednesdays I'm at the church for REVERB. Those are two favorite parts of the week :)
February 8th:A gift broken, fixed, thrifted
1 and 2. Understanding that by myself I am extremely broken. I can't do anything with Christ. He has fixed me up though, and with Him there isn't anything I can't do.
3. I once had to make about 60 individual "goodie bags" for something I had volunteered for. I bought all the ziplocs, 60 packets of flower seeds, three bags of dum-dums, and index cards to write little notes on for under $20 at Dollar General. Haha =D
February 9th: 3 surprise gifts
1. I was given a super sweet surprise party when we went to FL with the youth group last summer
2. Unexpected boquets of flowers my mom brings home for me on bad days
3. My new cell phone I got for valentines day
February 10th: 3 times heard laughter today
1. In a restaurant
2. In the car
3. In the store
February 11th: 3 gifts in working
1. College Plans
2. Prom Plans
3. Plans in general about the future
February 12th: 3 hard eucharisteos (graces or blessings)
1. My diabetes. It's difficult but it's brought me closer to my friends and family members who struggle with diabetes
2. My migraines. It's hard but God doesn't make me go through it alone. My best friend struggles with the same thing
3. My anxiety. This is new and scary but once again I'm not alone and I've learned a great deal from it.
4. My depression. I've learned that I can't control everything. God is allowing this to happen to me because he's using it to glorify him. Please note again that I'm not going through that alone either. I have a very close family member who also is dealing with same type of depression
February 13th: 3 gifts behind a door
1. Encouraging words I wrote on sheets of paper and hung up in my closet
2. New opportunities
3. In my home I can open the door and come home to a quiet and peaceful place, or a loud and lively place surrounded by lots of people. Both are things that I absolutely love!
February 14th: 3 ways you feel the love of God
1. Through the people He has placed in my life
2. In the moments when I feel like I'm struggling the most He reminds me of His presence
3. When I'm reminded that He is the Prince of Peace and that His mercies are new every morning!
February 15th: A gift in losing, finding, making something
1. The grace I find when I lose the idea that I have to be perfect
2. My identity found in Christ
3. The joy I get from making things for people
February 16th: 3 gifts in shadows
1. A different perspective when your life seems to be darker than it normally is
2. The relaxing shade of big tree
3. Sometimes, really pretty lighting for pictures. ;)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
One Thousand Gifts (Jan 30-Feb. 2nd)
This post is shorter because I included pictures.
January 30: 3 old things seen new
1. How I used to see myself. I used to have horrible self esteem and never thought I was pretty. I think every girl in the world struggles with those thoughts, but I look at my physical appearance much more differently now than I have in the past. I am beautifully and wonderfully made! <3
2. My past mistakes. Looking back at mistakes I've made in the past used to be enough to make me want to hurl; some days it still is. I am really bad about holding onto things I can't change and I'm learning to look at those things differently.
3. My grades. I have spent a lot of time staring at scores and cramming for tests, procrastinating, panicking, freaking out if it isn't perfect. I'm learning that not every single living thing depends on what my algebra grade is, or my English test score was. It's a struggle, but I'm looking at that differently too.
January 31: A gift on paper, in a person, in a picture
Paper: Words and pictures I've collaged over the years that inspire me and make me smile
Person: how self-less my mom is absolutely blows my mind. I can only hope and pray that I'll be even half the person she is one day. She's amazing and her attitude and just who she is as a person is a beautiful and overwhelming-ly awesome gift.
Picture: Being a photography nerd, pictures in general just hold memories. I love that you can look at a picture and just remember. Memories are gifts :) Nature is something I really like to take pictures of, so here are a few of those :)
February 1: 3 things red
1. The red sweater I have on today because it's National American Heart Association Day. I never had any kind of emotional attachment to days like this, or organizations like that, before my grandmother had her stroke. It's not that I didn't care, but that I never thought anyone in my family would have a serious heart problem like that, so I never paid attention to their infomercials. Things like that happen to "other people" never to someone you know. Now I think it's really important to make myself aware of days like today and to support and pray for organizations like this one who's goal is to make people aware of life threatening conditions.
You can read about Strokes here :)
http://www.strokeassociation.org/STROKEORG/AboutStroke/About-Stroke_UCM_308529_SubHomePage.jsp
2. My owl wallet.
3. My red scarves :) Wearing my red and gold one today! Love scarves!
February 2nd:Three gifts on paper (Had a really hard time with this one!)
1. Words in books
2. Letters and cards from friends I keep in a shoebox
3. Wisdom from the bible
January 30: 3 old things seen new
1. How I used to see myself. I used to have horrible self esteem and never thought I was pretty. I think every girl in the world struggles with those thoughts, but I look at my physical appearance much more differently now than I have in the past. I am beautifully and wonderfully made! <3
2. My past mistakes. Looking back at mistakes I've made in the past used to be enough to make me want to hurl; some days it still is. I am really bad about holding onto things I can't change and I'm learning to look at those things differently.
3. My grades. I have spent a lot of time staring at scores and cramming for tests, procrastinating, panicking, freaking out if it isn't perfect. I'm learning that not every single living thing depends on what my algebra grade is, or my English test score was. It's a struggle, but I'm looking at that differently too.
January 31: A gift on paper, in a person, in a picture
Paper: Words and pictures I've collaged over the years that inspire me and make me smile
Person: how self-less my mom is absolutely blows my mind. I can only hope and pray that I'll be even half the person she is one day. She's amazing and her attitude and just who she is as a person is a beautiful and overwhelming-ly awesome gift.
Picture: Being a photography nerd, pictures in general just hold memories. I love that you can look at a picture and just remember. Memories are gifts :) Nature is something I really like to take pictures of, so here are a few of those :)
February 1: 3 things red
1. The red sweater I have on today because it's National American Heart Association Day. I never had any kind of emotional attachment to days like this, or organizations like that, before my grandmother had her stroke. It's not that I didn't care, but that I never thought anyone in my family would have a serious heart problem like that, so I never paid attention to their infomercials. Things like that happen to "other people" never to someone you know. Now I think it's really important to make myself aware of days like today and to support and pray for organizations like this one who's goal is to make people aware of life threatening conditions.
You can read about Strokes here :)
http://www.strokeassociation.org/STROKEORG/AboutStroke/About-Stroke_UCM_308529_SubHomePage.jsp
2. My owl wallet.
3. My red scarves :) Wearing my red and gold one today! Love scarves!
February 2nd:Three gifts on paper (Had a really hard time with this one!)
1. Words in books
2. Letters and cards from friends I keep in a shoebox
3. Wisdom from the bible
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