I can't stop smiling...

Today was wonderful and I have to tell you why.
I've had a rough couple of weeks. I really want to tell you that everything has been great and smiley but it really hasn't been. There's a lot of little things that have been going on for a while but specifically the last month or so has been really difficult. I had a complete meltdown on Sunday afternoon after I got home from church but before I went back that night, for no reason. I tried to put my finger on exactly what was wrong and honestly, I couldn't figure it out. I just cracked. I felt fine when i got home that night i guess, so i tried to forget about it and move on. Monday and Tuesday were both really tough days. Lots and lots of tears, angry words, minor meltdowns, etc.

I have been trying really really hard lately to do everything right. I don't care if its something as simple as tying my shoes a certain way or acing a test. (Thats an example thats really extreme, but you get the idea) Everything I do HAS to be perfect. This pressure comes from myself and no one else, I promise. But I think the pressure was really starting to get to me.

Today I just relaxed. I didn't stress about the math lesson I was learning, I tried to enjoy gym class and joke around with my friends instead of complaining about feeling like i was wasting my time, I did my best on an English test but didn't freak out and panic when I didn't know the answers, wasn't so hard on myself when I made mistakes throughout the day, and smiled more. I came home and cleaned my room while listening to some awesome worship music, Kamryn came over and we went to dinner and Starbucks before church, and church tonight was just awesome. I was in the best mood I've been in in weeks, and I just totally relaxed around the people I was with. I didn't care about what people thought about me and since I wasn't stressing out about what everyone else thought about me I honestly enjoyed the time I had with my youth group :)

Our lesson tonight was about our identity in Christ. While our youth pastor, Russ, was explaining to us what it meant I couldn't stop smiling. I've heard it a hundred times and have taught Sunday school lessons and talked to middle school girls about it but it really really clicked tonight. In Christ I am free to struggle and no matter what happens I'm okay. There's nothing keeping me from having a hundred more days like today because I can wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day, take a deep breath, and just relax in knowing that I am a daughter of the king and that He loves me even with my imperfections. Believe me, there are ALOT of them! I don't have to feel this pressure to be perfect because no matter what I do I'll never be good enough. I can't earn my way into heaven or make God love me more by doing things just right. He already loves me unconditionally and I don't think I'll ever be able to fully understand that.

Today I have smiled more than I have in months, laughed until tears rolled down my face, and just let go of my "try hard" life. I was reminded that my identity is in Christ- which is something I definitely forgot, and I even cleaned my room ;) Just an awesome day that i am incredibly thankful for.