Longest Day Ever

I'm laying down in bed, and all I can think about is how thankful I am for the times when God has really changed my perspective or outlook on a day like today...

I woke up this morning running a little behind for work and HAD to go get gas. I rode around town with my fuel light on all day yesterday, and there was no possible way I'd make it to Bartlett. So, I open my garage and get into my car but there is a big cement truck blocking the quick road to the highway (which I would take to get to the gas station) because of construction behind my house. So I have to go the long way around to get out of my neighborhood basically running on fumes. Not cool.

Fast forward. I have time to run by Starbucks before work. So I order a Hazelnut Frappe with a shot of espresso. This is just a side thing that didn't bother me, but it adds to the day. They did a white chocolate mocha frappe with a shot of espresso instead. Like I said, didn't bother me but its another part of the day that didn't go "right" 

I get to work and go in and set my room and can't find my craft stuff because I left it at home. So I set out on an adventure for some supplies. Usually I can come up with stuff pretty quick, but I wasn't in a creative mood and couldn't find any materials I was looking for, so I settled for letting the kids color white balloons. (Which I think they loved more anyway)

A close friend of mine walked into work after that happened but before the day began crying and really upset about some stuff which kind of threw me off.

My kids start to arrive and they were super hyper today. Not being bad, I have a really awesome group of kids!!! They were just being loud. Which was kind of new because we have a pretty laid back group.

I didn't have cash on me so I had to run over to Subway for lunch, and then when I came back one of my kids had fallen and hit their nose on the hard floor. Swollen and purple and really pitiful. I felt so bad. 

After work I went upstairs to paint for Kidzkamp. A couple of weeks ago I got some paint on the carpet in a few spots, so I brought some generic normal Resolve carpet cleaner today to get it up. (Directions said 'shake, sprinkle, vacuum, cleaned') totally harmless right? No. I'm pretty sure I ruined the carpet up in one of the rooms because the cleaner left big blotchy white spots all over where the paint was. Bad. Idea. I was just trying to help and look what happened. :(

So I was SUPPOSED to be in Arlington at 5 to help out with childcare for a womens ministry event but because of the carpet fiasco I was leaving right at 5. The good thing about that is that I was able to grab my cousin on the way out to come help :)

Last night I lost the back to one of my starter earrings so since we didn't have to be there until 6:30 now we had time to go by Claire's at the mall to buy me some new ones. The lady was superrrr rude, the store was dirty and crazy crowded, and these stupid earrings cost me $20!!! I leave that store after fifteen minutes of standing around and my cousin and I head out to the food court to grb a bite to eat before going to the church for the next few hours. We had about 20 minutes so we scarfed down a chicken sandwich from Chickfila and chugged our sodas. Then on the way out the door we shared a pretzel bite order from Auntie Anne's.

**note here that for the past 30 minutes or so up to this point I had been complaining to my cousin about how awful my day has been and how I can't wait for it to end, yada yada yada**

So we pull out of the parking lot by J Alexander's heading north on what I guess is Germantown Parkway? I don't know roads well. We were at the intersection by Barnes and Noble :) My light turns green and there is one car in front of me and for whatever reason I didn't go right away. Maybe I was fiddling with the radio, maybe I was laughing or sneezing, I don't know. I didn't go immediately though, and it might have saved me from a lot of damage.

I saw a lady swipe the side of a white car and then slam into the drivers side of a different black colored one. The driver of the black car that was hit launched himself out of his car and pretty much was lying in the middle of an extremely busy intersection. Scariest thing I've ever seen. I pull over into a parking lot and call 911 but I'm totally wigging out. I've never seen a "serious" wreck like that, especially not that close up. The dude ended up being fine, besides a couple of broken bones I believe. So then I have to stay and give a statement to the police and I got super nervous and panicky. I'm already kind of shaken up, and I guess standing on a street corner of a busy intersection talking to a cop about what I had just seen was kind of a lot. Well then, the best thing that had happened all day happened and a really good friend of ours from church who I babysit for shows up! He's also a cop and I felt a billion times better knowing someone there older than me who's done this a thousand times. Haha! But I saw him and just seeing a familiar face made me totally break down and have a hysterical come apart right there. I felt pretty dumb. I wasnt in the wreck, just behind it. Then when I calmed down we went to Chickfila for a milkshake and I ended up going to see Despicable Me 2 with him and his daughter.

So, it was a long day. But I realized that no matter how bad things may feel in the moment, they could always be worse. I was also reminded of Gods perfect timing for sure!! If we had left a few minutes earlier from mall I could've been car space ahead and been the one Tboned. If I had left the church a few minutes earlier I wouldn't have grabbed my cousin and I'm pretty sure I would've stayed shocked at the intersection for a while instead of pulling over to the parking lot because she was yelling at me to call 911. Just a crazy day, but I'm thankful for it! :)

Pencil Passion

Brand new crayons that are perfectly sharpened and in a specific order, packages of unopened paper that are in perfect stacks, glue sticks that haven't been used, binders that haven't been opened, pencils with smooth erasers and sharpened tips...is it pathetic that at eighteen I still get excited about new school supplies? There was something almost magical about back to school shopping when I was a kid: trying on new shoes, grabbing a few new pairs of blue jeans,  picking out a special outfit for the first day, grabbing your supply list from a local Walmart, digging through infinite bins for the cutest ruler or package of eight standard marker colors. I think one of my favorite memories from kindergarten through twelfth grade is shopping for school supplies every year.

Now, as I look to the future and dream about teaching in my own classroom I get even more excited about one day shopping for my future classroom. How excited you may ask? So excited that I decided to write a Facebook post about it, but when that wasn't enough I decided to write a multi paragraph blog post about it....I think that's pretty excited. I have Pinterest boards with hundreds of games to play, lessons to teach, crafts to make, books to read, and more. I LOVE going into places like Knowledge Tree to look at classroom decorations. For graduation, my birthday, and numerous just because occasions I've been given classroom supplies like bulletin board border, desk accessories, and classroom posters. I love proof reading papers, the feel of chalk gliding across a blackboard, and even the colors of white board markers! I love learning about education from its history to administrative responsibilities and school structure.

Most importantly, I love kids. I love listening to them and showing them new things, and playing games, and learning from them. I love the feeling I get when I feel like I've made a difference. I love watching kids grow up and learn more and teach me more as well.

If you're still reading this, I don't think I have to say that pursuing education is what I'm passionate about. There's a new chapter of my life beginning and I can't wait for it to begin!!! It's a beautiful thing when passion and career go hand in hand.

A little change might just do me good.

Well, here I am again, and probably for the last time. The bus ride home to Memphis from Destin Florida is one I've taken with members of my youth group every year for the last four years, and this year was the last. It's bittersweet. I am very sad about this chapter of my life coming to an end. My youth group has been such a vital part of my life! I look back on my middle school and high school career and don't focus about memories created at school or even after school extracurriculars so much as the memories I created with my youth group. 

My church is my extended family. I could fill pages upon pages of stories, funny tales, memories, and good times spent with my church family. I wouldnt be who I am without the influence of other chriatian friends, and the incredible men and women who have volunteered and invested time in a relationship with me to help me grow and mature in a relationship with Christ. 

I have graduated high school, and with this great accomplishment a few doors begin to close and new ones begin to open. I have "graduated" from my youth group and now have been given the opportunity to move up to the college aged class/group. And knowing that everything is about to be shaken up a little is pretty scary. Not only am I leaving a school I've been with for the last four years, but a group of individuals who I've known for even longer. I'm going to school next year in Memphis. I plan to still attend the church I attend now, and I plan on continuing to stay just as involved with my church family as Ive ever been. 

 I'm  not saying goodbye, but I am beginning a new chapter in my life. It's unknown and a little scary, but I'm so excited! I wasn't at first, and I really wasn't until about two or three days ago. This new beginning holds new opportunities, new stories that will unfold, new adventures, new memories, and the opportunity to grow and mature as a child of God.

I guess in a nutshell this past week can be described simply as a nostalgic one. I spent a lot of time thinking about the time I had with my youth group. With my toes in the sand, the wind whipping my hair, the sun shining across the water, and with people I love surrounding me I realized how much my life has been impacted by my church and began to imagine what's in the future and what God has in store for me. My story is far from over. This chapter is just ending. I'm not leaving, it's just time for a change. And for the first time ever, I'm okay with that. Change might just be good :)

The struggle.

A few weeks ago I posted a blog post titled "I am Free" and I talked briefly about things I struggle with and wrestle with in my life, and how I had this crazy moment when I was driving down a road with the windows rolled down literally yelling and crying out to God that I was done with those things that are holding me back from living the life I want to.

Unfortunately, I didn't mean it. I wish I had, but I didn't. I meant it when I was laughing and praying and praising God in my car, I meant it when I was typing that blog post, I meant it the next day when I was getting up and getting dressed...so what happened? How come I'm right back to square one? I have no clue how I got back, or what keeps coming up over and over again to put me back in the same spot, but I'm really sick of it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in an emotional, spiritual, mental bump on a log mood and I want to get up and truly move on. So what am I doing wrong? I have good intentions so why aren't they providing good results?

Here's what I was reminded of today: because of who Christ is and what He did for me by dying on the cross I don't have to struggle to be free. I don't have to panic about someone not liking me, or have a complete meltdown when I'm feeling like I'm disappointing God. I am free to struggle. I am free to come to the throne of God with confidence, lay down my problems in piles across the ground in front of Him, point at each one and say " God, I have no clue what to do about this. You do though, so you can take it for me. I don't want to worry about it.." And that's all I have to do. I have to ask for help. I have to accept the very simple truth that I don't deserve that help. I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy, or Gods grace, but he gives it to me and to you every day. I've always wondered why. I've always subconsciously questioned why on earth God would continue to forgive someone for the same mistake they make over and over and over again. And I can never come up with an answer that satisfied me. I kept wanting to say "because I've done SOMETHING that makes Hin love me, right? He doesn't actually just love everyone unconditionally, does he? I bet He bangs his head against a wall and gets tired of giving out forgiveness all the time so I bet he walks away sometimes." But none of that is true. I haven't done anything to MAKE God love me. I volunteer in church, I read my bible most of the time, I do my daily devotional, I pray, I lead a bible study, I take notes during sermons, I'm a good little Christian girl. That HAS to make God more proud of me, happier about who I am, and love me more. I know someone who accepted Christ a long time ago, used to go to church, but who doesn't now. They "fell off the path" and now God is far removed from their current lifestyle.. God must not love them as much, right? Hahaha wrong!!! God doesn't play favorites. He loves pastors of churches and He loves people  in prison with a lifetime sentence the same way: unconditionally. So, there is nothing I can do AT ALL to make him love me more because He simply already loves me forever and ever and ever.

What does that unconditional love look like? It means he won't just turn around and walk away when I make a mistake. It means instead of rolling his eyes when I'm upset and crying over something kind of stupid, he's standing there with arms wide open to give me a tight hug and a shoulder to cry on. There's not a thing I could do to make him leave me by myself, and I'm not sure why I have such a hard time understanding that.

So, ladies and gentlemen: I give up. I give up on unattainable expectations of perfection I've placed on my shoulders. I give up on trying my hardest to please others so I will feel accepted. I give up on trying to do more and be more and act more. I give up on living like this. It's exhausting. Everyday there's a civil war raging inside my head. Who I am, who I think others think I am, who I want to be, and who I once was are battling it out inside my brain. Every day the battle continued without any signs of who's winning, but with all signs saying that regardless, I'm losing. Because "Who God wants me to be" isn't one of the girls fighting in this battle. She's off in a dungeon that's forgotten about as a prisoner of the war. She's tired of being ignored. She's trapped because as long as this internal battle continues within me, she can't truly exist. She struggling to get out.

That's the point I'm trying to make. It may not make sense to you, but I'm trying to explain it the best I can: I am struggling to get out. God didn't create me so I could spend all my time stressing out about someone's opinion of me. That's not who God wants me to be. And because I am a born again believer I don't have to. All I have to do is simply choose Jesus and choose to accept that in who He is I am free.

Surreal

Today was a day when I realized I really am graduating high school...

• I stood up with the other seniors at church and gave advice to the younger students in my Sunday school class about high school and staying involved.

• I was recognized in front of our congragation as a graduate and I didn't fall

• I attended my baccalaureate in my cap and gown and made pictures with my family

• I came home and took a nap and wasn't stressed out about the things I could be doing instead

• I woke up and made a really important decision all by myself regarding an event I'm in charge of planning

• I went out for coffee at 8:30pm with a friend without caring at all what time it was

• My mom didn't give me a curfew or any kind of restrictions or instructions regarding this coffee date

I know these are just small, meaningless things to you, but to me these were the little things that hit me and made me realize that I'm going to walk across the stage and graduate in less than 48 hours. Boo yah

Invisible illness questions

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illnesses I live with are: Type 2 Diabetes, chronic migraines, anxiety attacks, and depression.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I was diagnosed with diabetes my sophomore year of high school, migraines in 2012, and anxiety/depression at the end of 2012/beginning of 2013

3. But I had symptoms since: I can remember having symptoms of diabetes for most my sophomore year. I would get kidney infections a lot and that's what ultimately led to being tested. I've struggled with migraines for a couple of years but they got worse after a seizure in July. I've struggled with having anxiety attacks my entire life, but they haven't been as intense as the ones in the past year or so. The depression is new. This started in the past year or so, around same time as seizure. It's clinical, and there is something in my hormone levels that causes it and makes everything off.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: not being hard on myself and blaming myself for the parts I can't control. I also missed a lot of school which was difficult.

5. Most people assume: that I am a happy, upbeat person because of thow I act when I'm around others. I am that person but that is only one layer. I do hurt, I do cry and I do have hard times when dealing with my illnesses. I am human and have a full range of emotions. I think living with any chronic illness comes with highs and lows, days when you are strong, and days when you need strength.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: just getting moving at first. Some days are really good and I don't have any problems! But, some days I wake up with a pounding, crippling headache and I would do just about anything to crawl back under my covers. Sometimes I have a hard night of anxiety attacks and then wake up the next day exhausted and depressed. The depression is the worst when it rains, and rain causes headaches and migraines as well, so it's safe to say rainy days are the hardest.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy and HOUSE. I like HOUSE because of the mysteries and how it wasn't like a lot of other medical shows, and I like Grey's because of the characters and story lines.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my glucose meter to check my blood sugar.

9. The hardest part about nights are: waking up with migraines or waking up with a panic attack in the middle of the night.

10. Each day I take: 3 pills and various vitamins for a few different vitamin deficiencies I have

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: I believe that anything that helps you feel good and doesn’t hurt yourself or others is ok. I think exercise helps with anxiety, depression, and blood sugar levels. I also think that sleep can completely cure a migraine.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I would choose to have an invisible illness. I don't like for people to feel sorry for me, and I don't like to ask for help, so honestly an invisible illness is easier to "hide." Maybe not the best way to look at it, but it's honest. The downside to any invisible illness is that people can have trouble understanding what they can not physically see and think you're faking when you're really struggling.

13. Regarding working and career: When your passion becomes your purpose there is nothing you can’t do. We might think we choose our work, or career but I do believe that god knows what is best for us and finds a way to put us in that path. With what I want to do one day, I'm thankful my illnesses do not hinder me from doing what I love.

14. People would be surprised to know: That I cry ALL the time! A lot if people have puffy eyes and faces after crying for five minutes. I can cry for hours, dry my eyes, wipe my nose, and then go to school or the store or whatever and put on my smile.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: telling others, accepting that I will have bad days, facing challenges rather than running from them, and trying to keep it looking like I have it all together. I'm staying home for my first year of college against my original plans, mostly because of different medications and what not we're trying. That was hard. I'm at peace with it now, but it took a long time to get there.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: live a normal life with diabetes. I thought it was the end of the world when I was diagnosed, and now it's part of who I am.

17. The commercials about my illness:

Diabetes: there are a lot about diabetes awareness which are nice, and a lot about different meters you can buy to monitor blood sugar.

Migraines: none come to mind

Anxiety: none come to mind

Depression: lots! It's kind of downplayed though which is kind of misleading to others. "You're depressed? Pop some medicine, smile, move on! You're fine" is a message I think a lot of depression commercials send, but it isn't that easy unfortunately.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: having a good attendance record at school.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: sugar at first, with the diabetes. That's easier now though, and I'm living a healthier lifestyle than I was at one point in my life. 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I actually haven’t taken up any exciting new hobbies that I can think of right now. I would LOVE to learn more about photography and art, or reading more than I get to have time for. 

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I would just try to cram as much stuff into a good day as possible. Spend it with family and friends,  relax, have fun, not worry.

22. My illness has taught me: Who my real friends and family are. The people who support you every day, for better or for worse…. in sickness and in health those are the people who truly love you. That god is going to let me bend but not allow me to break. That God is going to throw a lot at me at once to see if I will depend on him. That I am stronger than I think I am. That I don't give up, even when I want to more than anything.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: I hate when people say depression or anxiety isn't real or people just say they have it to get attention. Type in anxiety disorders, or clinical depression into google and see how many thousands of articles show up talking about if. It's real. I also hate when people say stuff like "oh, you have diabetes? You should eat better and excersise more." Gee, thank you. If only someone had told me that when they told me I had diabetes. I'm not stupid, I know those things help. It's not just diet and excersise though, and there are factors I can't control. It also makes me roll my eyes when people say "I have a migraine" on Facebook or twitter or something. If it was a migraine you'd be throwing up, wanting total silence, in a dark room. You would not be staring at a computer screen or texting your friends. Trust me.

24. But I love it when people: are understanding and nonjudgmental, allowing me to cope with pain in my own ways.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It will be hard, but it will be ok. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: I can still do normall, every day things

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My parents love is endless and has no boundaries. They do nice things constantly, too many to mention or count. But knowing I can count on them is the nicest feeling in the world.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Weekbecause: If all of us do our part, write a blog post, re tweet this post, share on facebook, pass on info.. whatever. Each step is a step closer to awareness, understanding and acceptance. It is the easiest thing we can do, but collectively will make a difference.

This isn't invisible illness awareness week, but I can still show my support and share a piece of my story.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: like others may understand a little more now, and if you read this without judging me, I feel loved.

I Am Free

Fear. Anxiety. Frustration. People. Shame. Guilt. Change. Control. These are things I've been holding onto and clinging to for months! MONTHS! God has been telling me over and over and over again to let them go and I just couldn't. I could handle it. It's not a big deal. I've got this. I can do it. I don't need help.

I lied.

I don't know exactly when I became totally dependent and focused on just myself and when I started feeling depressed and anxious about everything,but I bet they go hand in hand. I've gotten comfortable with sad and mundane and now it's time to move on! For the first time in probably a year or more I'm fired up about my relationship with God and here's what I'm going to do about it.

First of all I'm gonna tell God that I am letting it go! DONE. I was driving down highway 70 and I rolled down the window and said "God, I've locked myself in a prison on self pity and self consciousness and fear and that's not how you want me to live. I've sat here long enough so let's do this together and get out of this." And then I started yelling all the words I typed up top. "FEAR" "ANXIETY" "SCHOOL" "DRAMA" "GUILT" and others. I want to remember that every time I drive down that road so I have a constant reminder that I gave it all up. No more. I've been trying to keep all this bottled up for so long and now it's all just tumbling out.

Second, I'm going to fall in love with Jesus again. He hasn't been my first love for a while and I'm going to do whatever I have to change that. Someone told me pretty recently that I had fallen out of love with Jesus and I didn't want to believe them. I'm a good Christian girl, of course I love Jesus. Unfortunately that's not true. A relationship takes two people. I wanted Jesus on Sundays and at church but I didn't want him to help with my stuff. I didnt talk to him. I stopped getting to know him. Well, I want to get to know him and I want to talk to him and let him get to know me.

Third, I'm going to surround myself with people who are going to help me up. I'm picking myself up off the ground and no one can do that for me. I'm confident for the first time in years that I can truly do that because I'm NOT doing it alone. I need to tell others though and accept help and advice and hang out with people who will bring me up.

This is just so crazy. I can try to explain it the best I can but I don't know how it'll sound to you. I have known something was wrong with my relationship with God for months. Maybe even a year or two. Sure, I have had high times and low, but overall it's just been a gross funk. Going through the motions to just get things done. I would pray for something to change me or something to stir my emotions and I'd get nothing. Last night, I texted someone and said I need a serious attitude adjustment. I said something like "I don't know what I'm going to do about it but something has to change"

After that I just prayed. I prayed until I fell asleep last night, I prayed this morning, I prayed at school, I prayed at home, I prayed and prayed and prayed. Some were long and some were just desperate whispers saying "God, please show me something. Anything"

Well I'll be a monkey's aunt! The bible study lesson tonight was about letting go of bitterness and how women become comfortable with unhappy. Once I really realized what Gods been telling me for WEEEEKS I said that I'm done! I went on a drive and was praying and hollering and I was smiling. For no reason. And I turn on KLove and a new song by MikesChair comes on call All I Can Do that's perfect!!! Then Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave. Then a song that was just an awesome praise song. I've turned on KLove a lot because I'm supposed to listen to it. I'm a Christian. I hum the tunes and mindlessly sing the lyrics. Tonight, I was belting out lyrics and singing and living every second because I have someone to sing the songs to! This is the happiest I've been for a while and I'm pumped. And it's awesome!! All it took was a really good metaphorical slap in the face. Maybe this makes zero sense to you, and that's ok. It doesn't really make sense to me either but here's the best way I can explain it:

I am choosing to be happy. My mom has been telling me since sophomore year when all this seemed to start that I just had to choose happy. I argued its not that easy. But it is. I am choosing to let go of bitterness, frustration, control, selfishness, hatred, all of the gross stuff. For real this time. I'm done. And now that I'm over all this stuff that's been holding me down I feel like I can fly. And it's awesome.